ドキドキ

this number that dictates your future. for the past week i've been having nightmares about it. slowly, its been consuming me and interfering with my ability to be happy. especially last night - even though i'm so disconnected from it all on the other side of the world, in japan - whenever risa or my host mother would mention my ATAR, i'd get this churning feeling in the pit of my stomach and fight tears. it was a topic of dread, and it made me feel physically sick. i've never experienced such a blatant physical reaction to an abstract concept like this. and it was always there, lurking in the background. unescapable. and then this morning, i arose at 4.50am and sat down with my laptop to assess how my future was going to play out, and i was freaking out. then i got that stupid three digit number and i just sat there, staring blankly at the screen. i didn't feel happiness or excitement. i just felt relief. i'm quite content with that number. but the process of getting it rendered me prone to anxiety and erratic mood swings. it was consuming me, piece by piece. i'm just glad its over.

i just want to believe.

then ask me what its like to have myself so figured out.


i wish i knew

tokyo.

will rule.

denouement

some people just aren't supposed to be together. i understand that now. there's still something infinitely beautiful about pure friendship, uncomplicated by shallow dramatics of love and loss. "if i can't love you as a lover, i will love you as friend." i'm sorry if i was ever difficult or selfish. now's the time to say so, i think, with so many endings and beginnings merging into a sense of finality. i think i've grown alot this year, i feel so zen.

I didn't see this coming the end of all that was.
Just lived the lie that what brings you rest cannot
hurt you. It was summer and I hoped for more
than the rut this place brings. All I got was
emptiness that still haunts me. I lost a part of
me and I lost my way but the pictures stayed
to follow me to bed. What I'll see tonight I won't
see ever again.

one of the most beautiful songs i have ever heard.

somewhere between the penance & the patience

you drift with every word they say

i think we’ve lost our way

endings, beginnings. i've hit middle ground where i'm no longer yearning to get out of this institution, but feeling semi sentimental. as much as i'd rather not admit it, school has shaped our lives and there's going to be a seemingly large hole without it. thank god for my future plans to keep me occupied otherwise i'd probably go insane from the lack of motion or meaning. japan, university. life goes on. just in a completely different key to my life so far. the future holds possibilities. for once in my life, i'd love to let go of my past and reinvent myself as someone not defined by who they associate or what kind of grades they get. i don't want to be remembered only for my mistakes or misguided actions, or by the things i didn't do. i know i've held back all of my life, but this life - school, home, work, routine - has become suffocatingly monotonous, and fours walls pressing down of me, compressing and causing my limbs to stiffen, my body to ache from the lack of movement, lack of life. i want to be able to spread my fucking wings. i want to exist in a world where i can wear my hair how i want, paint my nails the colours of the rainbow and decorate myself however the fuck i want. the institution that comprises higher education schooling is so stifling and i come home, exhausted from purely being there. i'm always tired. compromising who i am with who facades and pretences deem me to be: an ideal student, with no hint of individuality at all. a transparent willingness to conform to standards of dress, of personality, of presentation. and this year, sick of shallow rebelling, i yielded to the aforementioned standards and possibly lost a fragment of myself in the process. while i am typically, almost, the sort of student a school like beaconhills would strive for, my personality has changed radically. i'm quieter, more prone to outburts and violent tendencies, less spontaneous and creative. i spent so much more time rebelling in my head, daydreaming of ideas and possibilities, of the potential the future holds once i complete high school. everything only ever exists inside my own head this year: my dreams are much more vivid, intense shades of vibrancy that pales real life in comparison. i've loss interest and lost the effort to make effort in anything socially, which has rendered me more socially awkward than ever. i've become more anti social, reverting back to a similar state that existed in my early years of high school. back when i was unable to make or maintain friendships. now i can make friendships, but maintaining them is near impossible. i've accepted the notion of friendship as temporary, and thus don't chase feelings and memories for even an echo of what we used to have. my loss of interest in reality has led to many a lonely night, with only the ethereal sounds of music of another world to keep me company. reflecting now, typing out these thoughts is becoming easier every time. self reflection is consuming many spare moments, and thoughts like this have fallen through my head countless times. i've wondered, pondered, why people don't like me anymore. why this year i've become such a total recluse. why i'm unable to have pure, spontaneous, carefree fun anymore. and i've come to the conclusion that since i lost my best and only friend, since i lost an entire world that i'd become to accept as everything, i have nothing. rebuilding a city, a life, a world is difficult. and when it all got too much to take, i turned to my schoolwork. slowly, perfection through words and obedience through rules came as almost a refuge. uncertainty was replaced by black and white. friends were replaced by ideas. loneliness was replaced by potential, by goals. the future. glaring, smiling, beckoning almost violently. so i stopped caring. my most consuming thought was that of escape, a creative means of living rather than purely existing. but i didn't realise that by throwing myself, head first into this seeming mass of ambition and order and ambiguous perfection, that i was surrendering myself to existence in a four walled box. i'm still in that box. but i can see the way out. there's a light, and its almost within reach. but i've come to like the comfort, the familiarity, the black and white painted rules of the box. i'm comfortable. its routine. for a while now, its all i can remember. and leaving, breaking free, transitioning into reality - the something more that possibilities beckon - is simultaneously exciting and terrifying. such a long paragraph of cluttered thoughts, struggling to break free from this box that resides in my head. the prospect of freedom is endlessly infinite. so, so close. i can reach out and nearly grasp it with my fingers. nearly. although honestly, i cannot even predict how i'll cope with the world in my hands. i've only ever seen it from afar, a disjointed view from blurred windows that allow me to dream. but when the day comes, i'll run through the light, bleary eyed and overcome with possibility. here's to the future.

feverish

there is something inherently fucked when your old best friend goes on a date with your sister's friend, and is hanging out with your sister. how did all of the lines get so blurred? i miss the black and white, the unsaid separation of high school versus university, narre warren north versus box hill. so many fragments of what i thought were my life are overlapping to become parts of other people's. nothing is sacred anymore. everything i thought i could piece together as part of my life .. i can't anymore. its not mine to possess nor lay claim over. i feel so redundant.

unlearn

i keep giving more chances even though there's none left to give. when did i become such a pushover? my god, i repulse even myself. been listening to bane all day, on repeat. i lost an hour, but i gained daylight. who fucking cares. i've had it with chances. this is the end, i think.

Face down. I'm stuck inside these boundaries that were put in place to fucking quiet me...to bury me. I was given a uniform but soon learned that's just a disguise. The reality is misconstrued and subdued until your spirit dies. Unlearn. Born into a culture that teaches you to keep taking not giving. Will you live your life spending? Or will you spend your life living? Unlearn. A control just like heroin, you stole from us all again. Cold hands around our throats big man, If we speak up you're silencing. Too big business minded, when you see vision you blind it. Propaganda mixed with power brought on one-sided violence. Ideas remain bulletproof so you can never fucking silence.

ring out the grief

Heaven's filled with the reflections
of a thousand wishes, made out of
fire. Something to hope for, a reason
to stay. I saw mine through a front
room window so I grabbed my coat
and went outside.

I found you standing on the side-
walk and I found truth. I grabbed
my phone and crossed the street.
Thank you for last spring. I hope
you are well. Here's to next year,
must it bring us both the days that
we've worked for.

Here are hours that I can't recall
but I saw it on film. I seemed to be
happy so I take it that I must have
been. Next thing I know I sit on a
couch, it's six in the morning on
January first. It's my brother's birth-
day and you're still by my side.

There might be fire
but fire soon turns us to ashes.

echoes eternally, relentlessly.
on days like these i fall back on jeniferever.

bane

these nights will go so quietly. its disorientating that the last days i spend at high school are spent in isolation. these nights are wearing through study and homework with nothing but my music to keep me company. it's horrendously lonely, and i don't know if i can recall such a lonely time since year seven or eight, back when i was too different for friends. and now, everything's seeping back and i don't know where my friends have gone, but no one's around anymore except pale memories. i don't know if it's me or what, but as this year passes, one by one all of my friends have been falling away. one by one all of my ties to melbourne are weakening. i could pack my bags tonight for sweden and there wouldn't be the slightest hesitation. no one would call me back. would they even notice if i'm gone? these days i seem to be nothing more than an apparition, fading away with the night. doorways and walls to entrap me, but i just pass through like a spirit, transcending conventional limitations. like a reflection trapped on the other side; can't speak or communicate, cursed to observe the other side through the glass for eternity. silently watching others live, while you simply exist on the other side. i could revert to juvenile words and speak of how alone i feel, how my friends are fading from my life as i observe, silently, from these four white walls. blinding as the day and yet the only thing i can see is reality. am i really that unfavourable, to effect such aversion from everyone that i am acquainted with? when did they become so disinclined to know me? last year i was a king. i had the whole world in my hands, and the dramatics, heartbreak and notoriety that accompanied it. since christmas, everything that i had come to know and understand as my life was triggered, domino effect, to collapse around me until all i had as keepsakes were the pieces, shattered and broken at my feet. starting again is hard. becoming unnecessary, deemed redundant, is almost worst than immature fights that kill friendships, frail as they are. no, it is most definitely worse. the one thing i hate is not being noticed. fading away. to reach the point in your life where you're not even a sideline character - stripped off all lines and purpose - is fucking depressing. the less i care, the less everyone else does. people used to pay attention to me when i actually tried. now my effort is nil, and people look straight through me. fuck. i'm not even there anymore, you know? its the last week of term - two more weeks of classes, forever, and i may as well be invisible. i will admit, the notion of this does scare me a ridiculous amount. i'm scared shitless. which is why i need to get out of here. there's no reason for me to stay around anymore, you know? i'm not searching for sympathy, i highly doubt anyone will have wasted their time reading this much. i'm just scared to death what melbourne holds when the people, everyone that i've held close to my heart in the past few years (aside from family) have gradually, over time, drifted to the point of being strangers. everywhere i go i see people from other lives, other times, other friendships. nothing ever lasts, and what with high school coming to a close, an entire chapter of my so-called life that ends almost as lonely as it began. friendship is such a shallow word. and now i am growing weary, pure existance is so exhausting. time passes, watch. everything falls into the past, frozen smiles and meaningless words, lit up by happiness that could bright up a room, fleeting and all empowering and obnoxiously naive. i was a 15 year old kid with nowhere to fit in; i just wanted to skate, listen to my suicidal tape when someone told me about a place, where the strange were accepted and judged by what's inside, a scene of truly open minds: are we still the scene of open minds?

the cracks in the sky aren't getting any smaller.


my past seems to be drifting away with the breeze, spring is lighting up the sky and yet all i have right now is the ground beneath me to keep my balance. i just feel like, with the isolation of exams and the looming end of schooling, everyone else is fading to nothing more than memories. i've drifted so much from everyone somehow, at school everyone feels like strangers. even my closest friends are transforming before my eyes, into people i barely recognise. i could blame it on change, on age, on strees, but i think i'll just blame it on me. i've somehow become incapable of maintaining relationships and finishing sentences. everything trails off like my thoughts, an unfinished idea. drifting away with all notions of who people used to be and who i can count on in this mass of nothing. its somewhat lonely, so i bury myself in schoolwork until it becomes dark. and then i wait, wait for the sun to come up so i can do it all again, couting down the days until i can get the fuck out. one day out of hundreds. a night, a week, history.

二十歳の戦争

その悲しみも、苦しみも、その痛みも分からない
分からないから

it doesn't stop playing.
in the movie, she cried.





i don't think i'll cry.

vesper

do you ever have those moments where you come across remnants of your past, and this pang of sadness thuds in your chest as you remember how innocent and naive you used to be? and then you miss it, and wonder what you've become, because you can't see anything worth celebrating.

life is strange sometimes.

my head is throbbing, there's a horrible taste in my mouth, i do not understand maths at all, i ate too much, i have a ridiculously bad cold, i hate medicine/tablets yet am being forced to take them, i can't stop shivering and i'm wrapped in a blanket but it makes no difference, i'm behind in all my classes, i cannot concentrate, i feel like shit, whinge whinge whinge

life's hard for a meagan.

the things i do for other people

i'm so sick of never being able to put myself fucking first. i'm fucking ill, i can't fucking talk and yet you insist on making me do everything for everyone because 'its expected of me'. i hate the way i let everyone around me manipulate me into doing their bidding, its just weak of me but i'm clearly not the one at fault here.

yeah, i just want to die right now.
that is all.

vagueness is lameness.

i mean, why bother talking at all? your words are so blurred with indistinct meaning, i simply want communication that doesn’t entail ambiguity and half words. is it that much to ask for something real? i'm existing in exasperation, i wish everyone would just say what they fucking mean and mean what they fucking say.

maybe













one day



i'll learn from my mistakes.








i'll cross out what i don't know
















but i'm not sure how long it'll take.

it's in your blood

i can't stay over you. it seems we drive forever but can never get away from here, just one more try. i'm guessing you are over me, i guess it's bravery. well cause it's black out the window while you sleep in the passenger seat. it's gone.



this can't be how you live.

svo hljótt

i've decided that i want to learn swedish and icelandic, then i want to travel to the ends of the earth and dream my life away, to the sounds of jeniferever, immanu el, sigur ros, ef, and other lovely and ethereal echoes of nature. i just want to drown in the escape of conversation, in the warmth of my room, recluselike and content. i just want to get out of high school and travel, to japan, to sweden, to england, to iceland, to germany. every day melbourne seems more and more monotonous as its familiarity starts to choke me. i need air, i need to breathe. fuck.

tonight we dance, and fade all so quietly away

its almost ridiculous the myriad of memories that are evoked from random word documents: i was searching for a single piece of writing to reuse, and in the process of searching for it, came across hundreds of lyrics; poems; realisations; vents; diary entries. all of these paved the way for moments of heartbreak, confession, rebellion, vulnerability from back to year seven. i'd honestly forgotten about so much of .. my life from before last year. its somewhat unsettling. i don't know how i'd forgotten about all of this. i mean, its my life. yet lately its been feeling like i didn't exist before year ten, which is stupid in itself.

i'm sitting here, remembering who i used to be. its strange, to say the least. everything that made me who i am today, i think i'd just pushed aside and disregarded. i hate that i'm turning my back on even myself.

i think i'm in too deep
get out get out get out

...in valleys

i'm wondering to what extent people will say lovely things, as to avoid hurting your feelings. it seems slightly excessive the amounts of praise i receive from some people, and it seems ill deserved. i don't really appreciate half-hearted compliments when they're only verbalised in the first place as pale reassurance. it's like i'm dodging my separate audiences, so i can hide behind the facade of words. words they'll never see, because nothing is private anymore and i'm constantly running from confrontation.


but at night you’re dancing through the pain, even when you’re the only one. no rose, no sky as full of beauty as the girl who dies but rises with every morning’s sun,
alone.
have heart write pure poetry. we should study that in literature, eh

this is panic. this is failure.

i'm on my knees
i'm home
i fall on my face
i fall.


all i want right now are people that are like me; that have similar likes and hobbies. i want to fucking talk music and tv shows and ikuta toma and fashion. i want to laze around at home and have people keeping me company that will 'get' the things i like. i'm sick of being different to everyone else to the extent of being lonely. lately all i've been confined to conversing about 'safe' subjects that bore me to death. it's not too much to ask, is it? no one i speak to these days even knows or appreciates who/what francis dolarhyde/osaka-ben/immanu el/dylan moran/miyavi/bukowski/kleptomania/she spits macabre is/are. it irks me so, to observe people talking shit like they know everything, like they've done this scene a hundred times over. i detest the lack of realism nowadays; everyone's pretending to be someone they're not, conforming to standards accepted by the masses and in the process, disposing of everything they once stood for. everything is just a fucking title these days, like a badge to wear. nothing means anything anymore. it used to be 'emo' then 'scene' and now its 'indie'. i'm sick of being reduced to a fucking stereotype, to a word that has lost any kind of concrete meaning, twisted and weakened from its original definition to nothing more than some kind of petty insult. i don't give a fuck about anyone else. they're all the same, and i can't talk to anyone.

/i need you more than i.

ridiculously happy.


that is all.

lately been holding up the sky for you

i'm sick of being treated like i don't matter. i'm tired of same people constantly treating me like shit. i'm over second chances and bad choices. i need ice cream. fuck.



may as well call the bears around my neck 'love'.
francis dolarhyde take me back to year ten.

am kreuz

tonight i swam to the far side of the lake and spied heaven in all its naivety. my torchlight only shone my reflection in mirrored detail, blinding in the revelation. i call melodic words, but anything i scream will be swallowed by this water, this darkness; consumed by the lack of knowledge or understanding, of how to live and be alive, how to existence and thrive. on occasions i look for help on the other side, but the lights of your self assured superiority shy me away. i’ll flock to the darkness, undefined like a bird and hide in the nest of what i do know and understand, for that keeps me comfort as i lay here tonight. like a lullaby in the soundless night, i’m kept warm by the boundaries of my knowledge. for the world is hollow and the sky is infinite; and i am miniscule and insignificant. such wandering thoughts keep me awake at night.

always where i need to be

"i miss talking to you." and while things used to be so good, they aren't actually that bad now. last night was lovely, i reconnected with so many people i'd lost touch with. i love how even when you're drunk, you can communicate friendship and ties. and how a simple reminder of the strength of those ties can find its way home with you, in the form of beau's mexican taco hat. ha. although honestly, i've been consistently losing friends ever since december, until all i had left was a core group of school friends. and while they are lovely, its still lonely when i wanted to go to a show, or do something crazy. i'm hopeful that this will last.

hollow crown - architects.

my feelings were never receptive.

its times like these that i contemplate my monotonous existance. and i'm hiding out in my room, shunning any form of communication or company. my brother has friends over, they don't even notice me. i'm like a ghost today, skimming through walls and lurking in dark corners. tonight will be interesting to say the least, my ability to socialise is decaying by the minute. i should just become a recluse. i just don't know how to deal in times like these, with people like these. i was like this last year, and somehow i survived so easily. i'm treading water but i don't want to drown. thank fuck i'm a decent swimmer.

halfway

its so awkward how terrible i am at social interaction. i have my old best friend's 18th on saturday night, and everytime i think about it, i feel sick to the stomach. i just can't do this. i don't know how or when i got so pathetic, but i really don't know how i'll be able to show up without spending the whole night in a dark corner. i just hate the way i am, sometimes. its the simplest things that trip me up, like breathing or walking in a straight line. no one else ever has trouble, or even bothers to think. i overthink. everything's just so hilariously awkward, sometimes to the point of ridiculous. tomorrow should be lovely, but i don't quite know what to wear. photos are becoming exhausting and consuming my free time, some days i just want to quit.

when i move, i'm flailing now

i'm sitting here, rugged up like a rockstar with the heater up to the max. i'm drinking hot chocolate and doing my 365, listening to transmission by the getaway plan, contemplating and wasting time. i'm going to bake brownies soon. i'm in a good state of mind, i have to say. and you know what? right now, i feel more like myself than i have in days. this simple serenity, of enjoying your own company when winter rages on outside. its times like these that there's no place i'd rather be. i'm even looking forward to work this afternoon, i love being at the library when its dark and rainy. its like a whole another world, co-existing yet cut off from the maniacal rage of real life. it's just books and lovely people who aren't illiterate. it seems to be the only aspect of my life that revolves around pure, simple conversation. when the only focus is letting the time pass by; letting words carry you to different worlds where worries and bothers are d&m'ed to death. and the worst ramification of these conversations is being banished to non fic, and then overthinking everything.

jeniferever carries me to another world where everything is lovely.
i just want to meet a nice boy. its like we're all stuck in this rut where we can't break routine, and our words confirm this. i can't get past this, because no one else will let me. we've talked it to death. we've analysed to death. it's dead, okay? okay. now let's all move on.

from the clothes i wear, you'd think i'd be from the circus.

five.

conversation.
that is all i need.
not communication; i can deal without that.
but conversation, makes the time fucking pass.
the days begin to blur into each other, one more less til everything changes forever. it's kind of disorientating.

to quote la dispute/bukowski (at length)
"sure, i know that you are tired of hearing about it: but most repeat the same theme over and over again. it's as if they were trying to refine what seems so strange and off and important to them. it's done by everybody, because each must work out what is before them over and over again. because that is their personal tiny miracle. like now as like before, and before i have been listening to symphony after symphony from this radio. it makes me realize that certain people now long dead were able to transgress graveyards and traps and cages and bones and limbs: in tiny rented rooms i was struck by miracles.

the flesh covers the bone and they put a mind in there; and sometimes a soul and the women break vases against the walls and the men they drink too much and nobody ever finds the one: but keep looking crawling in and out of beds. flesh covers the bone and the flesh searches for more than flesh.

there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock. people so tired, mutilated, either by love or no love. people just are not good to each other. we are afraid. our educational system tells us that we can all be big winners, but it hasn't told us about the gutters or the suicides. or the terror of one person aching in one place; alone, untouched, and unspoken to.

people are not good to each other. people are not good to each other. i suppose they never will be. i don't ask them to be. but sometimes I think about it. there must be a way. surely, there must be a way

there's no chance at all: we are all trapped by fate. nobody ever finds the one. nobody ever finds the one. there's no chance at all: we are all trapped by fate. who put this brain inside of me? it says that there's a chance. it's kept the rope from my throat; maybe it will loosen yours.

the city dumps fill. the junkyards fill. the graveyards fill. nothing else fills."

simply amazing.

you're so naive, you're so

i feel bad for discarding people, i feel horrible for undermining them. i'm also glad people still try in this day and age. it seems rare. at least some aspects of existance i can count on. i fell into a hole last year, and i couldn't get out. this year, i'm much better at standing on my own two feet, quite averse to the notion of dependency. dependent becomes such an ugly word.

and after being such a heinous bitch, i'm surprised people even still care. it's kind of heartwarming to know, that people will be there. even if in the past they haven't, its the here and now that really matters, right?

i feel like i'm recycling overused and overstated phrases. i guess that's language nowadays; originality does not exist anymore. everything has been done, and done to death. words are degraded to cliches, cliches are cringeworthy. everything i say is just stock phrases collated together prettily, to sound intelligent when really the words have been reduced to no meaning at all. its time like these that i wonder why i even bother, really.

toma has a new drama! kyaaa.

likes.

i'll tell you what i like?
i like long bus rides by myself on the 901. particularly today, where i spent approximately 2 hours commuting to/from ringwood. i like making the back corner my haven, and putting my belongings around me as a barrier. i like singing along to blink 182 and the kooks and disregarding the looks i receive. i like observing the people, and the way they exist. i like taking photos out the window, the disarray that the wintry weather has caused on the roads. i like watching the world go by, through rain splattered windows. i like the cleanliness and the warmth of the heating, and the friendly lights that wink at me. i like the isolation that i feel, in my own little 901 heated, clean bus world. on the way home, particularly, i like driving into darker, rainier weather, noting how at four pm the sky is dark and consuming, the headlights from the cars reflecting and blinding and lighting the way. i like the harsh contact of winter's embrace. i like the memories of this bus, the countless times i've cried on it, contrasted with the vague memories of another lifetime, with other friends. something that i've left behind, so far behind that i barely recognise who i used to be, and the life i used to have.

i also quite like rollerblading.

thirteen.

love and hate get thrown around so carelessly. family is so underappreciated. friends are so overrated. boys are just ridiculous. year twelve is a overexaggerated nightmare. dependency is weak. creativity is stifled in every fucking sense. mathematics is a chore. happiness is unnattainable. disappointment is unavoidable. feelings are disregarded in every sense. /whinge

oh hey alex.

whispers

the people who walk in the straightest lines, they hate abstract concepts. they detest anything they can't visualise. they dislike anything remotely imaginative, anything slightly non-stifling in the narrow black-and-white dominated world they reside in. man. i feel as though i'm drowning in crowds of these people, pressing up on either side of me until its hard to breathe. anytime i try to break from the norm, walk my own zigzag path that crosses in multiple different directions; i'm pushed into a box, four sides and black views. all these people i'm surrounded by constantly, day in day out, me they don't understand, and them i have no hope of ever comprehending. i detest the way they try to make me one of them. my drum is beating at an irregular kaleidoscopic fashion, similar to the pattern of my thoughts. yours, his, hers, all of you, have no variation whatsoever.

somedays, i just want to get out.

apparently i don't smile anymore. according to others, i'm always unhappy these days. i hate that word. unhappy. it makes it seem as if you're discontent as a result of selfish actions. sad is much better. it doesn't point the blame, or faults in any particular direction. you're faultless. sad. i didn't think i was. looking back, what the fuck is happening to me? i was on top of the world only the other day.

on a brighter note, i chased the sunset tonight.
the end of autumn. endless circles of cycles of beginning merging to end and cycling forwards. progress. beauty. simplicity

the sound of beating wings

nausea struggles to consume the slight normalcy that i feel as per this moment. i'll sit here, in this dark room, grasping for my water bottle and existing through the light of this screen. contemplating the light that it must be outside, yet my curtains are shut. all i can see are weak outlines of daylight fighting to enter my room, but all light is refrained. nauseous. nothing awaits on the other side of the door that could possibly tempt me from this haven, i think i'll sit here and listen to the carefree nature that is jeniferever, that in itself can replace nature for this afternoon. nausea is not my friend.

only something you could say

words words words. i don't know how or when or why this happened, but i just can't deal with anything right now. to put it simply, i'm a mess. three hours ago i was completely content, but nothing ever stays that way. i want to get out, but it seems like i'm trapped in these four walls. i don't even know why i'm like this, i hate the way i shift so unpredictably, in such a manic fashion that confuses even myself. i dislike the fact that i'm quite adept at lying to even myself, and its times like these where i realise who exactly i've been fooling. i thought writing and speaking would make it all better, yet nothing seems to be helping. i thought it would make it all go away, but all i'm doing is bitching and turning into someone i may not even like. i thought i could cope. i guess i thought i was stronger than this.

incoherent ideas.

twelve. i never thought twelve could make such a difference. i don't think i particularly like that number much anymore. insecurity: fuck off. i really don't need this right now. all up, today was quite lovely, bar my overemotional tendencies and the hysteria of tonight. tonight, i took photos of the sky for my 365. it was so pretty to look at that i didn't even mind the cold. would have been lovely for a walk, a night time stroll with the pretty cloud formation to keep me company. tomorrow night. my eyes ache, and nothing will keep me awake right now except this pure aversion to going to bed.

angst.

angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst

i'm so content right now i can't even be angsty. lalalala.

“i conclude that all is well,” says edipus.
and that remark is sacred.

it's la dispute o'clock

i’ve slept for twenty years, but i’ve acted strong at least. if you’re leaving again, then you’re leaving again, and you’re gone. i feel nothing anymore, so just keep walking away. thirty thousand steps, i’ll watch you for every second and never feel alone.

chasing suns

its two am & i'm almost lonely.
but not quite, tonight was lovely. i started my 365 yesterday, its the best.

i should just stop my brain, stop my thoughts and shut the fuck up. i talk too much.

twenty random facts.

i am socially awkward.
i work at a library, and it really clears my head.
i'm quite a lonely person really, and i always crave company.
my inability to be emotionally stable does quite freak me out also, don't even ask why i'm so fucked up.
i can't sleep most nights.
i feel slightly sick.
i want to go to japan, right now, and never come back.
i do not recall the last time i did any form of exercise.
jeniferever and la dispute are the only things keeping me sane these days.
i want to meet a nice boy.
i'd actually kind of love to run away and join a circus.
i'm very sarcastic.
the sky is the most beautiful aspect of nature, seconded by the ocean.
i cannot stand people who don't give others a chance, or treat them decently.
i like going swimming at the beach in winter in a bikini and doing other unconventional things.
^ that put simply, i like to shock people, i guess.
i have intense trouble expression myself verbally, yet it comes so much more easily on paper.
i'm alot happier than i was last year, and a lot more balanced.
i hate existing in shadows.
to put it simply, my heart is racing unobserved you'll never know.

i dance in the nervous light & i'm warmed by the flames.

i sound so neg on this, i'm not, i'm really not. i'm content with everything. if i was happy i wouldn't bother writing. you can't always be happy. that's just not natural. i'm natural. the end.

here's to next year, i hope you are well.

jeniferever seems to be the only thing that's keeping me sane these days. i'm overeating like a bitch, and none of my clothes seems to fit well anymore. i'm sick of people who don't open doors for you when you're out in the fucking cold, its downright rude. the past is so much better than the present. all i really feel like doing now is neglecting mathematics and reliving lovely aspects of the past. i will admit, last year i did slightly fall off the tracks, to the extent that i was almost heading towards a collision, but it was still fun, in the immature rebellion that youth allows. this year i'm such a recluse, but so much happier. mathematics is so unappealing right now. my attention span seems to be decayed to a point of non existence.


and i found truth, so i grabbed my coat & went outside.

reflections

the parade of masks and facades last night. more was caked on then i could ever imagine. i'm sick of looking for the best in people, and being confronted with the worst. as reiterated in my skull so many times, i spent the better part of last year being the worse half of someone else. i'd rather not repeat that this year, thanks.

nine.

i'd rather waste some time with you

to say things have been weird lately would be an understatement. lately i've been so caught up in everything, unable to function at a decent level where i can commit. i can't even hold a conversation these days, i'm lapsing into unrelated observations and consequently lose my train of thought. i need to wake up, i seem to be functioning in a dreamlike state where people speak in disconnected syllables, and i'm not really there. incoherent sentences are hitting my skull, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly until i wish to wake up. i will admit, dreams are much preferred to reality. the blinding light of truth, it hurts. reality has no scope in which to manuouvre. i'll be walking a paved track where my future and past are set out clearly in stone, dot pointed bluntly so i don't wander off. maybe i want to wander off. i don't get leeway for freedom these days. any attempt of creative license is stifled into a condemnation of wasting time. perhaps i want to waste time. perhaps i live for lazy afternoons lying on my trampoline, observing the sky and its mood swings. the clouds and their patterns, their shapes. the weather unleashing its fury or rather, its contentness. wasting time was never a bad thing. you know, i may actually aspire to capture those moments of infinite beauty, lone in their singularity, the simplicity of the sky, soundtracked only by the mindless beat of my thoughts. i'd rather slow down now and appreciate everything that i have, lest continue at breakneck speed and complete year twelve with nothing but an enter score to keep me sane. ranking every single student in the state against each other, pitting a competitive field with an inevitable failure. it doesn't sound right to me. i'm only seventeen, i don't want the responsibilites of an adult just yet. or ever. forever. i mean, who wants to grow up? what's the fun in that?

as was so beautifully stated in the perks of being a wallflower:

in that moment, we were infinite.

every scene is a fatality.

she wore her heart on her sleeve, her thoughts on her face. she was vulnerable, with an inability to disconnect from her innermost fears. every feeling was painted on her pretty face, every single individual emotion. she fell over as a result from not looking where she was going; she had trouble walking in a straight line. always prone to injury and falling apart, leaving someone else to assist picking up the pieces. she could not hold herself together. strength was a distant concept too difficult to grasp. her weakness was her tendency to overanalyse and underappreciate, to overthink and underwhelm. she sometimes forgot how to breathe. these breaths were never matches with the uneven skitter of her footsteps.



hysterically happy, i'm going to go study now. this is not natural.

watch me sink

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means, to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."

-e.e cummings.

non objective portrait of karma

nah its cool. i can deal with that.
:)

its like i've lost something that i never had to begin with. can hope and disappointment really co exist, someone tell me this

i feel so fucking disconnected. its like my insides have caved into a hollow mass of nothing, and i'm dealing with this by blocking it from conscious thought. in a way, i feel like i've been rejected, which leads to me feeling worthless. in another way, it makes me feel stupid and naive. or just, slightly shocked. postively, impressed. its like a kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions battling it out to prevail, and none of them will win. pure desolate disconnection wins. numb. i want to cry but that's just melodramatic. i want to write it down but i can't find the words. i want to scream but i'm too passive for the aforementioned melodrama. i just can't react. to put it simply, everything is out in the open and even the sky won't make me happy now. everything is contaminated. everything is different. i fucking hate change, yet i could also welcome it. blunt truth is so welcoming in such an ambiguous world. it's quite reassuring to view things in black and white rather than in vague, deceitful colours. i can't cry. that's almost too pathetic for a situation like this. i'm almost too pathetic for a situation like this.

its times like this when i really wish i was more in control of my emotions. i really don't want to fuck up year twelve. i just hate the way i'm prone to such hurt, and the truth hurts so blatantly. i should just punch a wall. eh.

i'm contemplating going back to bed.

私と小鳥と鈴

quite simply, the most lovely poem i have ever read. it's perfect in its simplicity, in its symmetry.


私が　両手を　広げても、

お空は　ちっとも　飛べないが、

飛べる　小鳥は　私のように、

地ベたを　速くは　走れない。

私が　体を　揺すっても、

きれいな　音は　出ないけど、

あの　鳴る　鈴は　私のように

たくさんな　歌は　知らないよ。

鈴と　小鳥と　それから　私、

みんな　違って　みんな　いい。

lists

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF

1. year twelve is causing my hysterics and unpredictable mood swings to flare up at least once a week.
2. i have a terrible relationship with food.
3. i miss japan.
4. i'm sick of being alone.
5. i like being different, and that shows in my speech and dress.
6. i hate people that treat others less than they deserve to be.
7. i want to make something of myself.
8. i have obsessive compulsive tendencies and i always second think and doubt myself.
9. i try so hard.
10. i'm so hard on myself because i can't face failure.

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY

1. i can't believe they cut my pay.
2. i will be so relieved when tomorrow is over.
3. the nostalgia of my last ever interhouse cross country race being tomorrow (technicality, i guess: i've walked it for the past three years).
4. why do you date her? she's a bitch.
5. a shitload of daydreaming about japan.
6. having a bubble bath was the most fantastic idea i've had all weekend.
7. year twelve will kill me before i finish.
8. why is my skin so terrible?
9. la dispute are so good.

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART

1. intelligence.
2. distinctly his own person; not influenced by what others are doing.
3. wit and humour.
4. treats people well.
5. original.
6. someone who holds my hand. in public also.
7. who'll write me a song.
8. lie with me and watch the sky.

SEVEN FAVORITE SONGS YOU’VE HAD.

1. only everything below - la dispute
2. watch me sink - have heart
3. loveless - yamapi
4. strings - the getaway plan
5. the lost loves - young heretics
6. lisztomania - phoenix
7. cowards - break even

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

1. shower
2. read
3. study
4. music
5. eat
6. daydream

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.

1. i wish that you'd trust my words.
2. i'm kind of in love with you.
3. i'm only going to let you down.
4. why can't you become your own person, rather than a shadow?
5. i'm sorry that i can't seem to do anything right. i'm trying, i really am.

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

1. internet stalking nishijima takahiro.
2. wishing i was in bed right now.
3. not being very talkative on msn.
4. contemplating getting some chocolate.

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF


1. growing up
2. failure
3. change

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. travel
2. find someone that understands me, and marry him. ha

ONE CONFESSION

1. i'm not as together as you think i am. i'm a total mess. every night i verge of paranoia and hysteria and panic will consume me. so i believe.

looking at old photos makes me mourn for the past.
and smile, and cry, and want to cry.
photos bring out the best and the worst in you.


i swear, i never realised my hair was so long two years ago. sheeeiiiit. it looked good. i don't even know why i cut it all off a year ago, its still growing back. oh well

entrapment from within my own four walls. i'm beginning to regret taking on so much work and responsibility this year, i'm thinking it may only lead to my downfall.

thank god we're halfway through.
halfway.
'we can make it through' as arashi say. ha.

noah's ark

parent teacher interviews never fail to bring my suppressed insecurity and doubt to the surface. sitting there, listening to every expectation and high hope that each has of me; looking at their expectant faces; seeing my parent's proud smiles. i couldn't look them in the eye. i just kept looking down, thinking 'yeah, i'm going to let you down :/'. they all have such high expectations, and i am so excellent and crashing and burning. when it really counts, i have a tendency to fall apart. i just feel bad, you know? because they're all so expectant. with their confiding smiles and knowing gaze. it hurts to look them in the eyes. it's times like these when my insecurity flares up and fills my airways so that i can barely breathe in the knowledge that i'll most likely let them down.

i mean, i'm trying my hardest and i've pretty much sacrificed my social life this year. i'm going more subjects than everyone else and i don't get home most school nights until after eight o'clock. i'm also working to pay off my going to japan, and not really saving up much. i'm trying as hard as i can and i hope it will be enough, but its only a matter of time before i relapse into my emotional breakdown stage when everything gets too much.

on the bright side, my jap class is apparently very intimidated by me. ha. because i am such an intimidating person and all. :)

nothing

i will admit, lately i've been having trouble organising my thoughts. my paragraphs are cluttered and my thoughts are conveyed in circles. when i speak i make no sense, and when i dream, i become consumed by mundane events that i don't even spend waking hours thinking about.

honestly, year twelve is fucking with my head and i can't seem to function properly these days. i fret over the most innocuous things and my ability to deal with stress and problems seems to have completely decayed, to the point where all that's left is the all-consuming mass of panic in the back of my mind, in the pit of my stomach.

and then there's my histrionic personality and paranoid tendencies. my unpredictable mood swings and obsessive compulsive moments. i'm prone to hysteria and overwhelming moments of insecurity and loneliness. recurring lapses of over-emotional angsty teenager. yeah. i'm a mess.

nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan

ah, fuck yeah
pointless post #infinity

fail fail both arms

all i seem to do is set myself up for failure.
i hate it.
even my dreams are becoming increasing negative, and i wake up bathed in paranoia and disappointment. even non-reality is slowly becoming a reality, i can't be haunted like my dreams like this.

i hate birthdays, all they do is remind you how lonely you are, and reiterate in an oh so blunt manner, that no matter how much you give ... you never get anything in return. fuck. i try so hard to make everyone happy and all they do is flaunt that in my face, then push my face into a brick wall (in a painful metaphorical manner, of course).

yeah. i give up.

spinning

you know that feeling when everything in life is spinning completely out of your control? man. i feel as though nothing's going the way it should be, and i have no hold over anything. i don't like this. i need some kind of control, or at least a guarantee everything will be fine.

this year, i've definitely evolved into an optimistic, 'glass half full' kind of person. its insane. i feel fucking on top of the world. when only about an hour ago i was convinced it was all falling down around me. but it's really not. perspective is everything, i guess.

as long as i get to go to japan, i can't really complain. so fingers crossed, eh. stalking ikuta toma and seeing arashi live are also up on my list, buuut somehow i think that's kind of unrealistic haha.

i'm also going to stop falling in love with every single person i see, all it does is complicates my mood swings and leads to manic depressive tendencies.

but yeah, i feel fine. fine fine fine.

dreams

you know when you cry so hard you can't breathe, and it doesn't really count as crying anymore?
i've quite possibly hit rock bottom. reality ... i'm not much of a fan of reality. i'd much rather reside in my dreams, and i have been for quite a while now. but there's nothing like having your dreams shattered to open your eyes.

and now, all i want to do is close them and go back to sleep. but i don't think i can.
i just want to go back to sleep

only everything below

there is grace in a steeple collapsing

pictures

do you remember back when we'd sing have heart at school and reminisce? then have heart broke up, and you left the school. now i don't listen to either anymore. i thought i was so past all of that. i thought i'd outgrown that kind of immature caring. but honestly, i started listening to have heart again on the bus today. first time all year. and now i miss the past, so bad. i even miss you, the old you. i miss the innocent simplicity, where everything was black and white, and you were either liked or hated. fuck, miss that black and white stage. i thought i knew everything. the world was mine, goddammit.

sometimes i think i know myself so well. but it's moments like this where i doubt every fucking thing. is conceding defeat a strength or a weakness? i feel so small, so tired. so insignificant and naive.


i wish people would stop interrupting my thoughts.

dress ups

playing dress ups. i literally cannot wait for winter. and i am so overdressed for work, but don't even mind at all.
there should be some kind of law that sad people should listen to dance gavin dance when they feel like shit. dgd never fail to cheer me up, never.

alice in wonderland

if only i could move to wonderland

careful

if we're fucked up, you're to blame.

prospects

so i told my mother about my plans for next year, and she freaked. completely fucking freaked. at first, she kind of took it as a joke and mentioned really juvenile aspects (ie: but we'll miss you! you'll miss your eighteenth!) but then she started to get really angry. is it such a bad thing to want to move to another country?

my god, its not even one year.
is my family really so short sighted?
you think they'd be relieved to have me out of their hair.

by the hour

we were characters in a dream.

a story for supper

for a moment, we were infinite
headlights exposed our vulnerabilities
but the scenery didn’t mind.

Gazing at a skyless night
such an endless expanse that i fell into
cheap thrill seeking never elicited such an invincible feeling

in this world, we are nothing
yet i can be nothing, have nothing
if all i can have is you
but i can’t.
You already have your something.

In that moment, we were infinite
headlights couldn’t change the world
i gladly fell into the blackness that beckoned
with you, i thought i could fly




my thoughts are cluttered and my mind, distracted. i feel too exhausted for life right now; too tired to exist. once again, the prospect of year twelve (and resuming class tomorrow) is compressing my skull in a violent manner. let me out of here

nine.

and if we get beaten by this winter, if we get strangled by regret: just let our love of life and tension gasp in sweet and stuttered breaths. and have them lay us in a basement, smash some bottles on the ground; and say we couldn't tell the difference between the feeling and the sound.

i'm so fucking jealous and its through a screen. i need to get a grip and grow up. fuck.

tree village

wishful thinking.
that's all this is.

this weekend has been the best in a long time. soundwave, berwick show, rhian's 18th, rolling down hills, lack of sleep/minimal homework. sure, my education may be lacking at the moment. but it's so worth it.


all i've done is fuck up my vocal chords and dance alot. hahah. best.
also, i'm fucking broke.

hollow crown

quiet satisfaction.
i know i shouldn't, but i do.
i'm trying to be a better person this year, but it's kind of difficult when circumstances arise that could hinder a person but ultimately benefit you. who said we weren't selfish creatures? i want to be happy, i really do.
i just don't believe my path to happiness is free of destruction. it's really not. i think i'm bulldozing the fucking way. may have possibly run over someone. but i'm trying, i really am

until you can sleep sound.

soundwave 2010

collective sweat.
my ears are still ringing.
architects and dance gavin dance were fucking amazing.
there were some low points but mostly high points.
i don't want to go to bed, even though i probably should.
pure, simple happiness is the best, especially when it hasn't been experienced in a long time. i think i can hear thunder.

in a lonely place

somehow i feel very lonely.
yesterday, we made the best of a shit situation and i momentarily forget and had fun. then i left to go home, and when i got home the regret, loneliness and paranoia crept up behind me. i couldn't sleep last night, and when i did, i tossed, i turned, i thrashed.

regret is such an ugly word. i'm left here today by myself, with only year twelve for company, to sit and comtemplate the day ahead of me. this storm, the rain; they cannot come fast enough.

i am craving company so badly. but only from a certain person, and he'll never hear my call.

i always cry in front of the boys i like.
it's almost pathetic.

on a side note, there may possibly be a god.

shall never lose its power

life is fucking strange, i can't stop smiling and the strangest things are happening in the most understated way. i think i'm in love and it's fucked up because there's no chance but i feel as though there's someone who i can talk to and be 'myself', whoever that is i have no idea, but with him everything becomes more tangible and i begin to like myself more, or something else erratically unexplainable and possibly insanity inducing. this past week has been incredible unimaginable, from the beach last friday in fucking cold weather, bonfires and bikinis, a totally killed social life, nearly fainting after my event in the last swimming carnival ever, the year twelve jump, monash university, paper hat party on the train, chillin' at the library with wonderful people, new traditions and imaginative rides to school with the most unlikely passenger, late nights and lack of sleep due to drowning in homework and unbearable heat, fleeting infatuation and immature escapades, and endless badminton tournaments.

i'm overcome with nostalgia, but its only the beginning of the end. there's so much left to come, and when it happens, that when it all really begins. it's kind of ironic how i've spent my whole life wanting to get out of high school, and now that i can see the end i'm starting to appreciate the friends, the memories, the opportunities, the experiences. i'm starting to like life, in all its quirky surprises and unlikely coincidences. here's to the future, to possibilities.

sound and fury

Attention and words is all I have. These are inseparable; I cannot have words without people listening, or listening without words to listen to. I can speak and vocalise every single thought running through my head, but that will only degrade the quality of what is spoken, and no one will listen anymore. Then it will be silence bar the beatings of my heart, and the air that you breathe. I can listen to those forever, and words cannot express.

so it turns out i was way on over my head.
but that's okay, as everyone else was also haha

uni was insane. so intimidating, so weird, so much fun. so much work also, i can't even think in japanese anymore haha. goodbye life, i'll see you next year. in japan, i reckon. that sounds like a plan, eh?

poetic tragedy

writing poetry. its surprisingly morbid.

and this is where its starts;
I believe nothing can save a life; the undercut of darkness that shadows the light. we’re doomed to fester amongst despair: invent wild fantasies to reside within dreams. this world reeks of decay, as quality decomposes breaking faith. from their shelters feverish eyes observe; then retreat to their perfect haven of deceit and lies; allowing the skeleton of nature to be preserved; seduced to sleep with soundless lullabies

vonnegut despised semi colons. i use them excessively; to death, almost.
let's see how i survive the first day of school

break even

just let me fall. let me fucking fall

acceleration on overdrive

i've been such a bitch tonight, and i can't help it. the words are coming out of my mouth and i'm helpless to stop them, hold them back; i swear the extreme heat ignites this behaviour, i become a monster and i can't do anything about it. it's no wonder i don't leave the house in the heat, all it does is riles me up over the tiniest aspect. tomorrow i should be seeing break even but its cancelled, and that breaks my heart. i'll admit i was slightly dreading the possibility of having to go to the show alone, with former friends there to glare behind their hands, but going would still be so much better than not going at all. in a strange twist of fate, the world has calmed my incessant franticness over the dilemma, and yet i still feel so empty. i guess i'll have to go to pushover to see them again but, similar to soundwave, who the fuck will i go with?

to conclude, i think i'm running out of friends.

and term doesn't restart until monday, and its saturday night and i'm caught in that pre-emotional breakdown stage that every so often took its toll last year. i'm fretting and i'm on edge and i'm taking it out on everyone around me. school is still yet to begin, but i think i've just entered my first year twelve freak out. the japanese homework is stressing me to no end and i am utterly incapable of completing a substantial amount. also i start university on tuesday, which is a cause for a intense case of 'not good enough'. imagine accelerating, and being the one who's brakes seem to prevent any form of excelling. imagine falling from the highest possible place you could have launched yourself. insanity. that must be it.

it's funny, the thrill of some of the simplest ways to rebel.
cheap thrills.
yeah.





that's all.

leaves.

i was raking leaves at my late grandmother's house this morning, raking in the sunlight and thinking while listening to agraceful. such a calming activity, raking the leaves from the path in a methodical fashion and raking them under a tree, out of sight. and i thought. the raking i was partaking in could almost be likened to my efforts in life: all last year i battled with negative energy, attempting to push it out of my life where i wouldn't have to deal with it. under a tree, so to say. but i never did deal with it, just pretended it didn't exist. and the problem would escalate.

so i spent the better part of last year being the worse half of someone else. this completely consumed me, until i obsessed over the bad things and bitched rather than conversed. its not easy, living in another person's shadow. her being the superlative for everything; me being the 'less, less, less'. this year, i'm going to be a whole. not dependant on anyone else for anything. i'll live for myself, and for only myself. i was in such a bad state last december. and i'm glad there's a fresh start where i can evolve into a better person and leave all the negatives behind. i can rake and clear my path of anything that will tempt me back into the hole i dug myself last year. it was so deep i couldn't get back out, i swear i was struggling so much that i momentarily lost sight of the sun.

today, however, the sun was shining brightly. and i think i finally have my priorities straight.

and we'll sleep away december.

non objective portrait of karma

so i'm officially a university student. ha. that's kind of humourous, in a fucked up way. i love life. 2010 is insanely fantastic, bar the stressful aspects of it. which, with year twelve looming, i'm sure will make up the majority of this year. stress x a zillion.

now there's a fuckload of pressure i have to live up to, and a burden of expectations. wheeeee. i don't even know why i do this sometimes. haha. :)

there is a light that never goes out

i feel so different this year.
i think i collect photos and words to illustrate and describe my life.
i think i want to start making my own clothes again. i feeling as though i'm deviating dangerously close to the norm. who knows. too close and i may actually fall in.




MEAGAN says:
i love trying on every singly combination of clothing i can, then doing my hair and make up and posing in front of the mirror

^ i love freedom. i don't even want to grow up. peter fan ftw.

i have a half done canvas from year nine, i think i will paint. i love the notion of paint, and colours and illustration, and means of expression through photography (just wait til i get my lovely film camera), art, words and instruments.

everything is so humoursly awkward yet perfect right now.
i can wake up in the morning and smile, knowing that i'm actually doing something with my life. everything's finally falling into place. about time, really.

goals

so unbelievably content from the simplest, most understated things. i can sit here and breathe and smile and listen to lydia. this year i'm going to learn to juggle, and how to complete the rubix cube. oh yeah

what the hell's it to me, you still are what i think. sky and buildings, lay so neatly. keep those pictures around just to stay awake. calm that leaves me safely dreaming.
and we wait for winter, but no we wait forever.

once the sleep comes it's over. so both of us saw what it was, everything you were every time. a favorite of my dreams, you've seen all that is me. so sure you should take that, it's one more mile, just the same.

creatively, i want to prosper this year.

somehow

i can't stop smiling.


i love blink 182, i even love japanese study. to an extent. ha
i think i'm going to like this year

resolution

farewell failure. i'm never looking back now