ドキドキ

this number that dictates your future. for the past week i've been having nightmares about it. slowly, its been consuming me and interfering with my ability to be happy. especially last night - even though i'm so disconnected from it all on the other side of the world, in japan - whenever risa or my host mother would mention my ATAR, i'd get this churning feeling in the pit of my stomach and fight tears. it was a topic of dread, and it made me feel physically sick. i've never experienced such a blatant physical reaction to an abstract concept like this. and it was always there, lurking in the background. unescapable. and then this morning, i arose at 4.50am and sat down with my laptop to assess how my future was going to play out, and i was freaking out. then i got that stupid three digit number and i just sat there, staring blankly at the screen. i didn't feel happiness or excitement. i just felt relief. i'm quite content with that number. but the process of getting it rendered me prone to anxiety and erratic mood swings. it was consuming me, piece by piece. i'm just glad its over.