i'd rather waste some time with you

to say things have been weird lately would be an understatement. lately i've been so caught up in everything, unable to function at a decent level where i can commit. i can't even hold a conversation these days, i'm lapsing into unrelated observations and consequently lose my train of thought. i need to wake up, i seem to be functioning in a dreamlike state where people speak in disconnected syllables, and i'm not really there. incoherent sentences are hitting my skull, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly until i wish to wake up. i will admit, dreams are much preferred to reality. the blinding light of truth, it hurts. reality has no scope in which to manuouvre. i'll be walking a paved track where my future and past are set out clearly in stone, dot pointed bluntly so i don't wander off. maybe i want to wander off. i don't get leeway for freedom these days. any attempt of creative license is stifled into a condemnation of wasting time. perhaps i want to waste time. perhaps i live for lazy afternoons lying on my trampoline, observing the sky and its mood swings. the clouds and their patterns, their shapes. the weather unleashing its fury or rather, its contentness. wasting time was never a bad thing. you know, i may actually aspire to capture those moments of infinite beauty, lone in their singularity, the simplicity of the sky, soundtracked only by the mindless beat of my thoughts. i'd rather slow down now and appreciate everything that i have, lest continue at breakneck speed and complete year twelve with nothing but an enter score to keep me sane. ranking every single student in the state against each other, pitting a competitive field with an inevitable failure. it doesn't sound right to me. i'm only seventeen, i don't want the responsibilites of an adult just yet. or ever. forever. i mean, who wants to grow up? what's the fun in that?

as was so beautifully stated in the perks of being a wallflower:

in that moment, we were infinite.