apparently i don't smile anymore. according to others, i'm always unhappy these days. i hate that word. unhappy. it makes it seem as if you're discontent as a result of selfish actions. sad is much better. it doesn't point the blame, or faults in any particular direction. you're faultless. sad. i didn't think i was. looking back, what the fuck is happening to me? i was on top of the world only the other day.

on a brighter note, i chased the sunset tonight.
the end of autumn. endless circles of cycles of beginning merging to end and cycling forwards. progress. beauty. simplicity

the sound of beating wings

nausea struggles to consume the slight normalcy that i feel as per this moment. i'll sit here, in this dark room, grasping for my water bottle and existing through the light of this screen. contemplating the light that it must be outside, yet my curtains are shut. all i can see are weak outlines of daylight fighting to enter my room, but all light is refrained. nauseous. nothing awaits on the other side of the door that could possibly tempt me from this haven, i think i'll sit here and listen to the carefree nature that is jeniferever, that in itself can replace nature for this afternoon. nausea is not my friend.

only something you could say

words words words. i don't know how or when or why this happened, but i just can't deal with anything right now. to put it simply, i'm a mess. three hours ago i was completely content, but nothing ever stays that way. i want to get out, but it seems like i'm trapped in these four walls. i don't even know why i'm like this, i hate the way i shift so unpredictably, in such a manic fashion that confuses even myself. i dislike the fact that i'm quite adept at lying to even myself, and its times like these where i realise who exactly i've been fooling. i thought writing and speaking would make it all better, yet nothing seems to be helping. i thought it would make it all go away, but all i'm doing is bitching and turning into someone i may not even like. i thought i could cope. i guess i thought i was stronger than this.

incoherent ideas.

twelve. i never thought twelve could make such a difference. i don't think i particularly like that number much anymore. insecurity: fuck off. i really don't need this right now. all up, today was quite lovely, bar my overemotional tendencies and the hysteria of tonight. tonight, i took photos of the sky for my 365. it was so pretty to look at that i didn't even mind the cold. would have been lovely for a walk, a night time stroll with the pretty cloud formation to keep me company. tomorrow night. my eyes ache, and nothing will keep me awake right now except this pure aversion to going to bed.

angst.

angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst

i'm so content right now i can't even be angsty. lalalala.

“i conclude that all is well,” says edipus.
and that remark is sacred.

it's la dispute o'clock

i’ve slept for twenty years, but i’ve acted strong at least. if you’re leaving again, then you’re leaving again, and you’re gone. i feel nothing anymore, so just keep walking away. thirty thousand steps, i’ll watch you for every second and never feel alone.

chasing suns

its two am & i'm almost lonely.
but not quite, tonight was lovely. i started my 365 yesterday, its the best.

i should just stop my brain, stop my thoughts and shut the fuck up. i talk too much.

twenty random facts.

i am socially awkward.
i work at a library, and it really clears my head.
i'm quite a lonely person really, and i always crave company.
my inability to be emotionally stable does quite freak me out also, don't even ask why i'm so fucked up.
i can't sleep most nights.
i feel slightly sick.
i want to go to japan, right now, and never come back.
i do not recall the last time i did any form of exercise.
jeniferever and la dispute are the only things keeping me sane these days.
i want to meet a nice boy.
i'd actually kind of love to run away and join a circus.
i'm very sarcastic.
the sky is the most beautiful aspect of nature, seconded by the ocean.
i cannot stand people who don't give others a chance, or treat them decently.
i like going swimming at the beach in winter in a bikini and doing other unconventional things.
^ that put simply, i like to shock people, i guess.
i have intense trouble expression myself verbally, yet it comes so much more easily on paper.
i'm alot happier than i was last year, and a lot more balanced.
i hate existing in shadows.
to put it simply, my heart is racing unobserved you'll never know.

i dance in the nervous light & i'm warmed by the flames.

i sound so neg on this, i'm not, i'm really not. i'm content with everything. if i was happy i wouldn't bother writing. you can't always be happy. that's just not natural. i'm natural. the end.

here's to next year, i hope you are well.

jeniferever seems to be the only thing that's keeping me sane these days. i'm overeating like a bitch, and none of my clothes seems to fit well anymore. i'm sick of people who don't open doors for you when you're out in the fucking cold, its downright rude. the past is so much better than the present. all i really feel like doing now is neglecting mathematics and reliving lovely aspects of the past. i will admit, last year i did slightly fall off the tracks, to the extent that i was almost heading towards a collision, but it was still fun, in the immature rebellion that youth allows. this year i'm such a recluse, but so much happier. mathematics is so unappealing right now. my attention span seems to be decayed to a point of non existence.


and i found truth, so i grabbed my coat & went outside.

reflections

the parade of masks and facades last night. more was caked on then i could ever imagine. i'm sick of looking for the best in people, and being confronted with the worst. as reiterated in my skull so many times, i spent the better part of last year being the worse half of someone else. i'd rather not repeat that this year, thanks.

nine.

i'd rather waste some time with you

to say things have been weird lately would be an understatement. lately i've been so caught up in everything, unable to function at a decent level where i can commit. i can't even hold a conversation these days, i'm lapsing into unrelated observations and consequently lose my train of thought. i need to wake up, i seem to be functioning in a dreamlike state where people speak in disconnected syllables, and i'm not really there. incoherent sentences are hitting my skull, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly until i wish to wake up. i will admit, dreams are much preferred to reality. the blinding light of truth, it hurts. reality has no scope in which to manuouvre. i'll be walking a paved track where my future and past are set out clearly in stone, dot pointed bluntly so i don't wander off. maybe i want to wander off. i don't get leeway for freedom these days. any attempt of creative license is stifled into a condemnation of wasting time. perhaps i want to waste time. perhaps i live for lazy afternoons lying on my trampoline, observing the sky and its mood swings. the clouds and their patterns, their shapes. the weather unleashing its fury or rather, its contentness. wasting time was never a bad thing. you know, i may actually aspire to capture those moments of infinite beauty, lone in their singularity, the simplicity of the sky, soundtracked only by the mindless beat of my thoughts. i'd rather slow down now and appreciate everything that i have, lest continue at breakneck speed and complete year twelve with nothing but an enter score to keep me sane. ranking every single student in the state against each other, pitting a competitive field with an inevitable failure. it doesn't sound right to me. i'm only seventeen, i don't want the responsibilites of an adult just yet. or ever. forever. i mean, who wants to grow up? what's the fun in that?

as was so beautifully stated in the perks of being a wallflower:

in that moment, we were infinite.

every scene is a fatality.

she wore her heart on her sleeve, her thoughts on her face. she was vulnerable, with an inability to disconnect from her innermost fears. every feeling was painted on her pretty face, every single individual emotion. she fell over as a result from not looking where she was going; she had trouble walking in a straight line. always prone to injury and falling apart, leaving someone else to assist picking up the pieces. she could not hold herself together. strength was a distant concept too difficult to grasp. her weakness was her tendency to overanalyse and underappreciate, to overthink and underwhelm. she sometimes forgot how to breathe. these breaths were never matches with the uneven skitter of her footsteps.



hysterically happy, i'm going to go study now. this is not natural.

watch me sink

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means, to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."

-e.e cummings.

non objective portrait of karma

nah its cool. i can deal with that.
:)

its like i've lost something that i never had to begin with. can hope and disappointment really co exist, someone tell me this

i feel so fucking disconnected. its like my insides have caved into a hollow mass of nothing, and i'm dealing with this by blocking it from conscious thought. in a way, i feel like i've been rejected, which leads to me feeling worthless. in another way, it makes me feel stupid and naive. or just, slightly shocked. postively, impressed. its like a kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions battling it out to prevail, and none of them will win. pure desolate disconnection wins. numb. i want to cry but that's just melodramatic. i want to write it down but i can't find the words. i want to scream but i'm too passive for the aforementioned melodrama. i just can't react. to put it simply, everything is out in the open and even the sky won't make me happy now. everything is contaminated. everything is different. i fucking hate change, yet i could also welcome it. blunt truth is so welcoming in such an ambiguous world. it's quite reassuring to view things in black and white rather than in vague, deceitful colours. i can't cry. that's almost too pathetic for a situation like this. i'm almost too pathetic for a situation like this.

its times like this when i really wish i was more in control of my emotions. i really don't want to fuck up year twelve. i just hate the way i'm prone to such hurt, and the truth hurts so blatantly. i should just punch a wall. eh.

i'm contemplating going back to bed.

私と小鳥と鈴

quite simply, the most lovely poem i have ever read. it's perfect in its simplicity, in its symmetry.


私が　両手を　広げても、

お空は　ちっとも　飛べないが、

飛べる　小鳥は　私のように、

地ベたを　速くは　走れない。

私が　体を　揺すっても、

きれいな　音は　出ないけど、

あの　鳴る　鈴は　私のように

たくさんな　歌は　知らないよ。

鈴と　小鳥と　それから　私、

みんな　違って　みんな　いい。