i feel so fucking disconnected. its like my insides have caved into a hollow mass of nothing, and i'm dealing with this by blocking it from conscious thought. in a way, i feel like i've been rejected, which leads to me feeling worthless. in another way, it makes me feel stupid and naive. or just, slightly shocked. postively, impressed. its like a kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions battling it out to prevail, and none of them will win. pure desolate disconnection wins. numb. i want to cry but that's just melodramatic. i want to write it down but i can't find the words. i want to scream but i'm too passive for the aforementioned melodrama. i just can't react. to put it simply, everything is out in the open and even the sky won't make me happy now. everything is contaminated. everything is different. i fucking hate change, yet i could also welcome it. blunt truth is so welcoming in such an ambiguous world. it's quite reassuring to view things in black and white rather than in vague, deceitful colours. i can't cry. that's almost too pathetic for a situation like this. i'm almost too pathetic for a situation like this.

its times like this when i really wish i was more in control of my emotions. i really don't want to fuck up year twelve. i just hate the way i'm prone to such hurt, and the truth hurts so blatantly. i should just punch a wall. eh.

i'm contemplating going back to bed.