oh dear.

so it just got announced today that miyavi got married, like end of last year. duuuuuuuude i just posted a bulletin yesterday stating how i was going to marry him lol, slightly fucked timing eh ? ily him so much.
not as much as toma though. :DDDDD

as the amplifier screams out loud

why am i always the last to fucking know ? what kind of fucking person treats you like that, not even bothering to fucking tell you, yet telling everyone else & causing me to find out from other people, which is not only fucking low but also embarrassing as when something that is not anyone's business suddenly everyone knows ... except you. & at the last possible minute, fucking times it well ... right now everything that could possible go wrong is a complete disaster, i am a total mess, i think i am losing my friends and spiralling downwards in complete emptiness it feels like. i'm just going through the motions mechanically waiting for something to change, to break free of this monotonous cycle and just waiting for things to actually work out for a change. & right now i'm being suffocated with the whole pitying shit, which i do not want/need. spent half the night in tears, am a loser.

not to mention a chair fell on me today & i have this mass bruise on my leg. thanks a fucking lot.

breathing underwater.

all i could eat was decay, now i'm struggling with such great expectations.

was embraced by the storm

yesterday was good/shit.
went into the city with ellen when she finally decided to show up like two hours after we agreed. went to photoworld & massive lol @ what happened there, most embarrassing and hilarious and stupid thing ever, i will never ever repeat it again and deffs not here ahahah
met up with about twenty other people from school & we headed over to photoplus, which is obvs better than photoworld, and all somehow managed to fit into a booth and it was quite lol indeed.
then we went shopping & bought some clothes that was unbelievably cheap then i bought hana kimi (yeeeeeeeee !)& ellen and i paid 5$$ each and bought ponyo :)
then went on the train back to dande, was slightly neg for reason i'd rather not get into, but the day went slightly downhill, then got even shitter at dande when i didn't even get to see giants! but instead had to leave at like six thirty. met up with some people which was really good :DDDD managed to get back to the station alive and etc, did not get raped which was a bonus. then went home and now my parents are in vegas/somewhere over the pacific & i am making a point not doing my lit essay cause its hard, otherwise i would not even be writing this but whatever, i am & get over it.


ily toma.

never receptive, my feelings were never receptive

i was holding my breath every single day, pushing aside the rotten decay of this ache that taunts and tears the hole open suffocating wounds as to forget they were there, painted a palette of colour to brighten up the shades of grey that smothered even the faintest hope coloured over my darkest hour, forcing it into a cheery facade that hinted at nothing worth sharing and everything that didn't exist if you admit you're prone to injury does that cause more hurt to flood your way? i see no visible escape from confession it's out in the open, waiting to be taken advantage of at the slightest hesitation i could make a list of all the reasons i was too fucking weak to break routine it's hard to reach the surface when you cannot let go of what is killing you you pushed the trigger in my face i smiled and played along looking for an edge to jump from, searching for another way to fall anything to ignore the hole that ripped the carefully concealed wounds apart threatened to expose the flaws and weaknesses that i'd kept hidden "i'd guard it with my life" you say yet willing to die for nothing proves pointless if only you get hurt in the process. if you kill yourself.

human body, anchor

what are you supposed to do when your friends don't have space for you in their life anymore? what are you supposed to do when they leave you behind? i feel so fucking alone. like, i cannot just listen 24/7 to every fucking reason he/she is better than me. it's like hearing confirmation in very way of how i am too boring, too predictable, not good enough.

and to be completely honest, i am sick of it.

the cracks in the sky aren't getting any smaller

so like, here goes nothing.
i am not the type of person to post in a blog.
you should probably know that.
i am not the type of person to do so.
yet here i am.

today i took photos at point leo.
there was this one small boat, captivating by its simplicity (it was the kind of boat you'd see in a picture book) yet it seemed shrouded in emptiness, by the fact that it was anchored into the sand and left behind as the tide had receded.
in life, i am that boat. simple as that.