sometimes i overthink the simplest things.

その解釈で、粉雪ということはメタファーのようなことになって、冬の終わりと共に経験したこと、見たこと、やったこと、全部、この冬が起こった証明は消え てしまった。春が来るつれて、全部はまた始まります。思い出しか残っていないんです。私にとって、始まること、終わること、人生なことはこの俳句に描写さ れて、それ以上に、世界の大きさと個人の人生の中でしたことはどんな大切さを持って、一人一人の意義か異議のないも表しています。どんなことを達成しても、失っても、永遠に残ることは何もないです。私の解釈は悲観的過ぎるかもしれないけど、これは私の考え方です。

以上～

so i have to write haiku for my assignment

of much frustration and writers block, this is the only completed haiku i have been able to write. it’s pretty lame. it doesn’t convey all that i wanted to convey, the loneliness and solitude of winter’s grasp and the splintered, monochromatic wintry existence … but c’mon, i only had seventeen syllables to struggle with.

深い霧で　輪郭しか　見えないけり

so many people, nothing more than shadows

i remember when you called me a good friend. that meant alot to me.

what happened to you? you used to be so close. just around the corner. you could still be there for all i know, all trace of you has faded like the morning fog being burnt through by the sun. you still cross my mind from time to time, and i mostly smile.

i guess we've all moved on though, walking our separate paths. for some reason i always thought ours would intersect, at least a little bit. i don't even know you've wandered, but you're definitely out of sight.

thank you for the good times, even the bad.

work is sucking quite alot and all i seem to be doing these days is getting rundown and exhausted and consequently sick, and then when i recover work makes me exhausted and rundown and then the cycle begins again. argh.

女子高校生なんだよー

so i’m reading shojo manga that my friend hito sent me from japan and just re-reading this series of strobe edge all of a sudden made me really homesick for japan, and i just flashbacked to hanging out in tachikawa, shopping and eating and going to the movies with the girls from junshin (hito included) and just being carefree and excellent. and it’s borderline ridiculous how this manga brings with it so many nostalgic memories, but it’s time like this where the feeling just hits me off guard and overwhelms me with this sadness that i’m sitting on my bed in australia reading it by myself, rather then reading it in my /other/ bedroom in tama or commore shiotsu and discussing the attractiveness of andou-kun with the girls later, and acting like a typical immature joshi koukousei.　i just want to turn back time or fast forward so that i can do this all again, i feel as if i didn't appreciate any of it the first time around.

何でこんな思い出は今急に出るのかな？女子高校生みたに生きているかもね。
日本に戻りたい。日本人の友達にまた会いたくて、遊びたくて。。お金さえあれば。。

何も

何も感じない。出来ないから。何で出来ないの？人間じゃないの？人間じゃなければ、私は何だろう？どうなるかなあ

私って、誰？誰かな..

sunday morning broke and dragged me out of bed, slightly less asleep.

narre warren north. such a sleepy sunday morning that i liked the quiet. nevermind the fact that it's the middle of nowhere.

sunday morning dreamt about a moment passed,
about a time i failed.
sunday morning i was staring at a clock
trying to push it back.
sunday morning wished to be a kid.

sunday morning shook me all the way awake.
stirred me from the dream.
sunday morning i was thinking of a phone call i should make
you never did.
i never did.

sunday morning broke and dragged me out of bed, slightly less asleep.

sleep just doesn't seem to come naturally for me these days.
rather, it seems quite unnatural.
i miss the days of effortless sleep. being nocturnal is no fun when there's no one to keep you company. else it's dark and lonely. silence ringing in my ears. shadows dancing on my wall. that stupid alarm clock by my head, the ticking a constant presence reminding me of the passing of time. time passes. but absolutely nothing is fucking happening.

it just feels like such a waste.
i just want to dream.

the last lost continent.

I felt your sickness brush against my arm as I walked by you —
Heard your voice but couldn't tell that it was you.
And, slowly, watched your sickness slip away into a place
That I'd once feared but I was not afraid this time
So I gave chase and found it, finally, slowly feeding from your head,
And from my friends, and from my family, so I grabbed it by the neck.
"For every lover you have ruined..." I dug my nails into it's flesh.
"... and every life that you have taken..."
Slammed it's head against the brick.
It's blood poured out onto the pavement,
I stirred it in with dirt and spit,
"I will take a part of you."
I made mortar from the mix.
Tore every organ from it's body,
Broke it's bone and fashioned bricks,
I laid the mortar in between,
I made a throne for hope to sit.
"Too long you've torn us into pieces,
Firmly held onto our wrists. Today I bury you in me."
I swallowed every inch of it.

I'll hold you, as you have held me -
You've held me in your heart, we'll be set free from fear.
We've felt our failures.
We've watched our passions leave, but we're still breathing on.
I'll hold you, as you have held me,
You've held me in your heart.
(And I will hold you in my heart)

But I still see him dead in the parking lot at the gas station just down the street.
And I still hear my friend say,
"You know, you wouldn't believe the things I saw when I was stationed overseas."
But he somehow keeps smiling in spite all of that,
While I keep finding ways to push the good out for the bad
Oh, how selfish of myself to always say that it was more than I could take,
Like it was pain I could not shake,
Like it could break me with it's fingers, throw my body in the lake,
And I would slowly sink away
But the Truth is it was sorrow that I made and would not face.
See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past.
And I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last like it defines me.
Or reminds me I've found comfort in my suffering
And uncertainty in happiness and death,
Because what's next is such a mystery to me.
I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot see.
Friends and family, put your hand into my hand and lay your head into my chest.
You are all that I have left here
We are all that we have left.
We are the lovers, We are the last of our kind.
Link your arms and keep your chin up
And I swear that we'll be fine.
We are the lovers, We are the last of our kind.
Though we're not sure who we are, though we're not sure where we're from,
Though we're not sure when we'll leave, though we're not sure where we'll go,
We keep our heads up
We keep our hearts up
We keep our hopes up

Keep your head up. we're fine. Just keep your head up. I swear we'll be alright.
Keep your head up. Oh, my friends, keep your head up. and I swear we'll never die.
I swear we'll get home safe and sound, we'll live on underground
I will give your heart a place to rest when everything you had has turned and left.
I'll weave your names into my ribcage; lock your hearts inside my chest.
Regain the passion I once carried; do away with all the rest.
I tore the sickness from your bodies; smashed it's head against the bricks.
I made a castle from it's bones that you may always dwell in it.
So sing for every buried moment that you'd thought would never end.
And sing your fears about the future; and a dirge for faded friends.
For all the love that you had held to, why it somehow failed to keep.
And sing each minute you've been frightened; every hour that you've lost sleep
And sing for all your friends and family; sing for those who didn't survive.
But sing not for their final outcome; sing a song of how they tried.
We live amidst a violent storm; leaves us unsatisfied at best,
So fill your heart with what's important, and be done with all the rest.
We are what's left of what we once were
We are falling far behind.
There's so much stacking up against us and we're running out of time.

We are but hopeful children, and we're the last of our kind.
But if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but friends and family, we are the last of our kind.
So hold my hand, I'll lift your head up, and I promise we'll be fine.
We are but hopeful lovers, and we are running out of time.
There's so much stacking up against us, and we're falling far behind.
We are but hopeful lovers, we are the last of our kind,
But if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but lovers, we are the last of our kind.
And if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but lovers, we are the last of our kind.
And if we let our hearts move outward, we will never die.

falling back into the familiar pattern of la dispute, slightly homesick for last year. but everything has to change, i suppose. it sure has.

semantically incoherent

i don't even know anything anymore.

as i lay dying

people always emphasise how important it is to 'be yourself': but what if one singular, distinct form of 'self' does not exist? my identity isn't so straightforward that it can be encapsulated in one concept of 'self', and i struggle to find a simple definition of 'me'. and i'm eternally conscious of this, which causes me to question, constantly, when wondering, exactly, who i am and if the image i'm projecting to everyone is really 'me' or if i'm just a mess of countless, misdirected facades of a myself that may not even be real. a projection that is nothing more than a shallow reflection, or mirror that reflects simply what people want to see. how do you know what is real? i'm constantly shifting form, pale like an apparition in the way that i may not truly exist as an 'i' or a 'me', and unable to commit to relationships fully because i am afraid that the 'me' that i am may not be enough - or the person that i am, truly, is not distinct enough to stand on its own. a constant, suffocating compulsion to live up to others' expectations and ideas of you can only lead to self destruction. i do not understand how i can operate so many different sides of myself to deal with so many separate lives. i can't be myself because i'm not quite sure if there is a 'me' to possess, rightfully and individually. so many clashing factors influencing me to be so many conflicting types of people, i'm a disaster of mismatched experiments of teenage hysteria and self indulgence battling the quiet girl who hides behinds her music and books to not leave her room. this could be, perhaps, the source of the internal conflicts that assault my insides when i prepare for something that directly conflicts with the other side. explains the nausea and dizziness and feverish thoughts that consume me before leaving the house: and of course, the restless mania that accompanies the prospect of ennui. yet such conflict within self would not be complete without the bipolar tendencies that side-effect the never-ending war within my head. i think this blog in its entirety is testimonial to this.

"i don't know what i am. i don't know if i am or not. jewel knows he is, because he does not know that he does not know whether he is or not."

i think i've forgotten the art of sleep

else i just can't wake up

君がこの世に生まれた～奇跡を信じれないという

everything finally feels like its falling into place, but the pieces aren't exactly where i thought they'd fall.

もう決めたもん 俺とお前50になっても同じベッドで寝るの
手と手合わせてたら血も繋がって 一生離れなくなったりして
こんな夢を いつまでも見よう 醒めなければいいってことにしとこう
醒めるから夢と呼ぶんでしょう?って言うなら 他に名前つけよう

paintings

so life is spinning so out of control and everyone that i thought i could count on isn't there anymore and there's so many new people that i probably could count on but i'm not sure if i want to or hold onto things that i'm losing or just plunge headfirst into the future without looking back. but i'm becoming somewhat conflict-averse to the point where nothing is what it used to be and the way i react to situations is nothing like it used to be so i guess in conclusion i'm not the same person i used to be, and evidently no one else is either. i didn't particularly want to lose sight of what i used to be, but others seem to be more keen to paint themselves in completely different colours and lights. but i knew you when you were shadows.

people who don't keep their word are the worst kind of people.

a moment

it just came to me and just remembering made me smile. risa and yuka and okaasan and i were youtubeing one night in japan, yuka was playing videos of hilarious k-pop boy bands, risa was finding ridiculous metal/visual kei bands that i would 'perhaps like' (they were ridiculous) and i was showing them lots of user friendly melbourne bands as well as la dispute (who they didn't quite appreciate, understandably). and then all of a sudden risa was jumping up and down trying to reach the ceiling and then all three of us were jumping and laughing hysterically as risa failed to get there and i managed it easily, and we were both the same height. we just kept jumping and laughing and the whole thing had such a 「何あってんの」みたいな感じ. it was such a lovely night. its little things like that that i miss about japan. the warmth of the people and the innocent spontaneity of our silly antics.

あぁもうどうなるか、まぁどうでもいいんですが

last flowers.

so on wednesday i'll finally be an adult. eighteen years of age. i just realised what that means. it was always just a number, a gateway to freedom and decadence and recklessness and disorder and all that.





i'm slightly terrified. i really don't want to grow up. i have to wonder, when did i get so old? time scares me, the way its doesn't stop. relentlessly pushing forwards, no matter what. i don't want to grow old. i don't want the responsibility or the reality or the monotony. i kind of just want to run away.

i just don't know what's wrong with me. i can't stop crying.

i'd forgotten how incapable i am of friend-making

i think i take socially awkward to the next level.
its like, i spent so long wanting to get out of high school i never actually stopped for a moment to think about how i'd survive in a totally unfamiliar and intimidating environment. not to mention one so overwhelming due to the size of the campus and the people who inhabit it. all i seem to do these days is read my book in a quite spot.

my, my, the ways i've changed since then.

close to me

this post should be read to the soundtrack of the cure.
this is from my japan days.

i came here to find myself, but all i seem to be doing is losing the ability to communicate in english. i don't quite belong in either of these worlds, i feel like i'm existing on the peripherals of life, where the colours have somwhat faded, the vibrancy dimmed. i want to stay, want to be in both places yet neither. i want to find a reason to stay, to fight against all of the reasons to leave. i love japan, honestly, but right now its making me tired. i'm tired. i'm forgetting most aspects of my life in australia before i left - abstract concepts like names and relationships, intangible ideas that have no place in such a foreign land. i'm so used to japan, to this life, that i'm losing touch with who i used to be. i can't remember anything clearly, the lines, the edges, everything's becoming blurred the longer i'm gone. my previous life is painted on canvas in violent strokes, but the inks are running and smudging in the rain. you can't hold back natural forces, natural progressions like time and change.



but i'm home now.

i need to write this down

i need to write this to get it off my chest, as i cannot bring myself to speak of it aloud. i've tried to push it to the back of my mind, but it surfaces at the most unwelcome times and constantly is returning to haunt me. so i'm hoping if i lay it all down here, i'll be able to get over this incident. but at the moment its the first memory, and the most vivid, of my return to melbourne on sunday morning. i wanted it to be perfect, seeing my family again after three months. but as i was retrieving my luggage from the carousel, this japanese girl somehow fell backwards, with this sickening crack at my feet. and the force of the impact, the way her head hit the hard floor, she started convulsing at my feet. eyes bulging, mouth open in a silent scream. the look in her eyes still gives me nightmares. her arms were outstretched in my direction, her legs flailing as she spasmed, jerking. i'd never seen anything like it; my first thought was of a child's attempt at a game, a scary face to amuse someone but then sounds emitted from her mouth, and the most horrible wailing assailed my ears. i started crying because i'd never seen anything so horrible happen right in front of me, and also because japan has caused me to become fragile emotionally. the school group she was with - teachers and adults crowded her, helpless as she was somewhat paralysed in her desperate flailing. my mother pulled me back and we watched in horror as her supervisors covered her in a blanket, as if she were deceased. else they did nothing, and my mother was asking if an abumlance had been called but no one heard her. such a crowd had gathered, watching with the sick fascination of an approaching train wreck. because she wasn't our responsibility, and i was having a near emotional breakdown, we moved away. the excitement of being home was marred by my inability to get that girl's eyes out of my head. i don't know if an ambulance was called; or if she was okay. i don't know what the damage was, or her injuries. i just can't seem to escape the look of her bulging eyes and outstretched arms in my direction. or the convulsing, as her entire body was seized by the impact of the fall and everything failed to function.

home.

i feel strange.

new years

this morning i arose at six to pray to the gods at a shrine and watch the sunrise over the city; the first sunrise of a new year. a temple, another shrine, okonomiyaki, feasts, purikura and harry potter. english is beginning to sound foreign and i feel more comfortable disregarding it; i don't know who i'll be when i get home next month, but i feel miles away from the person i left in australia. this year holds so many exciting possibilities and opportunities and i'm going to embrace them all. i don't feel like myself, but i never did have a 'self' to begin with. right now i'm yearning for it to snow, but somehow it snowed everywhere it japan yesterday except for tokyo. i feel so disconnected from the real world, and lost in the frivolity of exploring a new world and communicating in a different tongue, of kabuki and tea ceremony and buddhism merged with fashion and karaoke and arashi and youth and quirkiness, of masses of people and life and colour and noise.