noah's ark

parent teacher interviews never fail to bring my suppressed insecurity and doubt to the surface. sitting there, listening to every expectation and high hope that each has of me; looking at their expectant faces; seeing my parent's proud smiles. i couldn't look them in the eye. i just kept looking down, thinking 'yeah, i'm going to let you down :/'. they all have such high expectations, and i am so excellent and crashing and burning. when it really counts, i have a tendency to fall apart. i just feel bad, you know? because they're all so expectant. with their confiding smiles and knowing gaze. it hurts to look them in the eyes. it's times like these when my insecurity flares up and fills my airways so that i can barely breathe in the knowledge that i'll most likely let them down.

i mean, i'm trying my hardest and i've pretty much sacrificed my social life this year. i'm going more subjects than everyone else and i don't get home most school nights until after eight o'clock. i'm also working to pay off my going to japan, and not really saving up much. i'm trying as hard as i can and i hope it will be enough, but its only a matter of time before i relapse into my emotional breakdown stage when everything gets too much.

on the bright side, my jap class is apparently very intimidated by me. ha. because i am such an intimidating person and all. :)