these nights will go so quietly. its disorientating that the last days i spend at high school are spent in isolation. these nights are wearing through study and homework with nothing but my music to keep me company. it's horrendously lonely, and i don't know if i can recall such a lonely time since year seven or eight, back when i was too different for friends. and now, everything's seeping back and i don't know where my friends have gone, but no one's around anymore except pale memories. i don't know if it's me or what, but as this year passes, one by one all of my friends have been falling away. one by one all of my ties to melbourne are weakening. i could pack my bags tonight for sweden and there wouldn't be the slightest hesitation. no one would call me back. would they even notice if i'm gone? these days i seem to be nothing more than an apparition, fading away with the night. doorways and walls to entrap me, but i just pass through like a spirit, transcending conventional limitations. like a reflection trapped on the other side; can't speak or communicate, cursed to observe the other side through the glass for eternity. silently watching others live, while you simply exist on the other side. i could revert to juvenile words and speak of how alone i feel, how my friends are fading from my life as i observe, silently, from these four white walls. blinding as the day and yet the only thing i can see is reality. am i really that unfavourable, to effect such aversion from everyone that i am acquainted with? when did they become so disinclined to know me? last year i was a king. i had the whole world in my hands, and the dramatics, heartbreak and notoriety that accompanied it. since christmas, everything that i had come to know and understand as my life was triggered, domino effect, to collapse around me until all i had as keepsakes were the pieces, shattered and broken at my feet. starting again is hard. becoming unnecessary, deemed redundant, is almost worst than immature fights that kill friendships, frail as they are. no, it is most definitely worse. the one thing i hate is not being noticed. fading away. to reach the point in your life where you're not even a sideline character - stripped off all lines and purpose - is fucking depressing. the less i care, the less everyone else does. people used to pay attention to me when i actually tried. now my effort is nil, and people look straight through me. fuck. i'm not even there anymore, you know? its the last week of term - two more weeks of classes, forever, and i may as well be invisible. i will admit, the notion of this does scare me a ridiculous amount. i'm scared shitless. which is why i need to get out of here. there's no reason for me to stay around anymore, you know? i'm not searching for sympathy, i highly doubt anyone will have wasted their time reading this much. i'm just scared to death what melbourne holds when the people, everyone that i've held close to my heart in the past few years (aside from family) have gradually, over time, drifted to the point of being strangers. everywhere i go i see people from other lives, other times, other friendships. nothing ever lasts, and what with high school coming to a close, an entire chapter of my so-called life that ends almost as lonely as it began. friendship is such a shallow word. and now i am growing weary, pure existance is so exhausting. time passes, watch. everything falls into the past, frozen smiles and meaningless words, lit up by happiness that could bright up a room, fleeting and all empowering and obnoxiously naive.
i was a 15 year old kid with nowhere to fit in; i just wanted to skate, listen to my suicidal tape when someone told me about a place, where the strange were accepted and judged by what's inside, a scene of truly open minds: are we still the scene of open minds?
