i just want to believe.

then ask me what its like to have myself so figured out.


i wish i knew

tokyo.

will rule.

denouement

some people just aren't supposed to be together. i understand that now. there's still something infinitely beautiful about pure friendship, uncomplicated by shallow dramatics of love and loss. "if i can't love you as a lover, i will love you as friend." i'm sorry if i was ever difficult or selfish. now's the time to say so, i think, with so many endings and beginnings merging into a sense of finality. i think i've grown alot this year, i feel so zen.

I didn't see this coming the end of all that was.
Just lived the lie that what brings you rest cannot
hurt you. It was summer and I hoped for more
than the rut this place brings. All I got was
emptiness that still haunts me. I lost a part of
me and I lost my way but the pictures stayed
to follow me to bed. What I'll see tonight I won't
see ever again.

one of the most beautiful songs i have ever heard.

somewhere between the penance & the patience

you drift with every word they say

i think we’ve lost our way

endings, beginnings. i've hit middle ground where i'm no longer yearning to get out of this institution, but feeling semi sentimental. as much as i'd rather not admit it, school has shaped our lives and there's going to be a seemingly large hole without it. thank god for my future plans to keep me occupied otherwise i'd probably go insane from the lack of motion or meaning. japan, university. life goes on. just in a completely different key to my life so far. the future holds possibilities. for once in my life, i'd love to let go of my past and reinvent myself as someone not defined by who they associate or what kind of grades they get. i don't want to be remembered only for my mistakes or misguided actions, or by the things i didn't do. i know i've held back all of my life, but this life - school, home, work, routine - has become suffocatingly monotonous, and fours walls pressing down of me, compressing and causing my limbs to stiffen, my body to ache from the lack of movement, lack of life. i want to be able to spread my fucking wings. i want to exist in a world where i can wear my hair how i want, paint my nails the colours of the rainbow and decorate myself however the fuck i want. the institution that comprises higher education schooling is so stifling and i come home, exhausted from purely being there. i'm always tired. compromising who i am with who facades and pretences deem me to be: an ideal student, with no hint of individuality at all. a transparent willingness to conform to standards of dress, of personality, of presentation. and this year, sick of shallow rebelling, i yielded to the aforementioned standards and possibly lost a fragment of myself in the process. while i am typically, almost, the sort of student a school like beaconhills would strive for, my personality has changed radically. i'm quieter, more prone to outburts and violent tendencies, less spontaneous and creative. i spent so much more time rebelling in my head, daydreaming of ideas and possibilities, of the potential the future holds once i complete high school. everything only ever exists inside my own head this year: my dreams are much more vivid, intense shades of vibrancy that pales real life in comparison. i've loss interest and lost the effort to make effort in anything socially, which has rendered me more socially awkward than ever. i've become more anti social, reverting back to a similar state that existed in my early years of high school. back when i was unable to make or maintain friendships. now i can make friendships, but maintaining them is near impossible. i've accepted the notion of friendship as temporary, and thus don't chase feelings and memories for even an echo of what we used to have. my loss of interest in reality has led to many a lonely night, with only the ethereal sounds of music of another world to keep me company. reflecting now, typing out these thoughts is becoming easier every time. self reflection is consuming many spare moments, and thoughts like this have fallen through my head countless times. i've wondered, pondered, why people don't like me anymore. why this year i've become such a total recluse. why i'm unable to have pure, spontaneous, carefree fun anymore. and i've come to the conclusion that since i lost my best and only friend, since i lost an entire world that i'd become to accept as everything, i have nothing. rebuilding a city, a life, a world is difficult. and when it all got too much to take, i turned to my schoolwork. slowly, perfection through words and obedience through rules came as almost a refuge. uncertainty was replaced by black and white. friends were replaced by ideas. loneliness was replaced by potential, by goals. the future. glaring, smiling, beckoning almost violently. so i stopped caring. my most consuming thought was that of escape, a creative means of living rather than purely existing. but i didn't realise that by throwing myself, head first into this seeming mass of ambition and order and ambiguous perfection, that i was surrendering myself to existence in a four walled box. i'm still in that box. but i can see the way out. there's a light, and its almost within reach. but i've come to like the comfort, the familiarity, the black and white painted rules of the box. i'm comfortable. its routine. for a while now, its all i can remember. and leaving, breaking free, transitioning into reality - the something more that possibilities beckon - is simultaneously exciting and terrifying. such a long paragraph of cluttered thoughts, struggling to break free from this box that resides in my head. the prospect of freedom is endlessly infinite. so, so close. i can reach out and nearly grasp it with my fingers. nearly. although honestly, i cannot even predict how i'll cope with the world in my hands. i've only ever seen it from afar, a disjointed view from blurred windows that allow me to dream. but when the day comes, i'll run through the light, bleary eyed and overcome with possibility. here's to the future.

feverish

there is something inherently fucked when your old best friend goes on a date with your sister's friend, and is hanging out with your sister. how did all of the lines get so blurred? i miss the black and white, the unsaid separation of high school versus university, narre warren north versus box hill. so many fragments of what i thought were my life are overlapping to become parts of other people's. nothing is sacred anymore. everything i thought i could piece together as part of my life .. i can't anymore. its not mine to possess nor lay claim over. i feel so redundant.

unlearn

i keep giving more chances even though there's none left to give. when did i become such a pushover? my god, i repulse even myself. been listening to bane all day, on repeat. i lost an hour, but i gained daylight. who fucking cares. i've had it with chances. this is the end, i think.

Face down. I'm stuck inside these boundaries that were put in place to fucking quiet me...to bury me. I was given a uniform but soon learned that's just a disguise. The reality is misconstrued and subdued until your spirit dies. Unlearn. Born into a culture that teaches you to keep taking not giving. Will you live your life spending? Or will you spend your life living? Unlearn. A control just like heroin, you stole from us all again. Cold hands around our throats big man, If we speak up you're silencing. Too big business minded, when you see vision you blind it. Propaganda mixed with power brought on one-sided violence. Ideas remain bulletproof so you can never fucking silence.