lists

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF

1. year twelve is causing my hysterics and unpredictable mood swings to flare up at least once a week.
2. i have a terrible relationship with food.
3. i miss japan.
4. i'm sick of being alone.
5. i like being different, and that shows in my speech and dress.
6. i hate people that treat others less than they deserve to be.
7. i want to make something of myself.
8. i have obsessive compulsive tendencies and i always second think and doubt myself.
9. i try so hard.
10. i'm so hard on myself because i can't face failure.

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY

1. i can't believe they cut my pay.
2. i will be so relieved when tomorrow is over.
3. the nostalgia of my last ever interhouse cross country race being tomorrow (technicality, i guess: i've walked it for the past three years).
4. why do you date her? she's a bitch.
5. a shitload of daydreaming about japan.
6. having a bubble bath was the most fantastic idea i've had all weekend.
7. year twelve will kill me before i finish.
8. why is my skin so terrible?
9. la dispute are so good.

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART

1. intelligence.
2. distinctly his own person; not influenced by what others are doing.
3. wit and humour.
4. treats people well.
5. original.
6. someone who holds my hand. in public also.
7. who'll write me a song.
8. lie with me and watch the sky.

SEVEN FAVORITE SONGS YOU’VE HAD.

1. only everything below - la dispute
2. watch me sink - have heart
3. loveless - yamapi
4. strings - the getaway plan
5. the lost loves - young heretics
6. lisztomania - phoenix
7. cowards - break even

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

1. shower
2. read
3. study
4. music
5. eat
6. daydream

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.

1. i wish that you'd trust my words.
2. i'm kind of in love with you.
3. i'm only going to let you down.
4. why can't you become your own person, rather than a shadow?
5. i'm sorry that i can't seem to do anything right. i'm trying, i really am.

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

1. internet stalking nishijima takahiro.
2. wishing i was in bed right now.
3. not being very talkative on msn.
4. contemplating getting some chocolate.

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF


1. growing up
2. failure
3. change

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. travel
2. find someone that understands me, and marry him. ha

ONE CONFESSION

1. i'm not as together as you think i am. i'm a total mess. every night i verge of paranoia and hysteria and panic will consume me. so i believe.

looking at old photos makes me mourn for the past.
and smile, and cry, and want to cry.
photos bring out the best and the worst in you.


i swear, i never realised my hair was so long two years ago. sheeeiiiit. it looked good. i don't even know why i cut it all off a year ago, its still growing back. oh well

entrapment from within my own four walls. i'm beginning to regret taking on so much work and responsibility this year, i'm thinking it may only lead to my downfall.

thank god we're halfway through.
halfway.
'we can make it through' as arashi say. ha.

noah's ark

parent teacher interviews never fail to bring my suppressed insecurity and doubt to the surface. sitting there, listening to every expectation and high hope that each has of me; looking at their expectant faces; seeing my parent's proud smiles. i couldn't look them in the eye. i just kept looking down, thinking 'yeah, i'm going to let you down :/'. they all have such high expectations, and i am so excellent and crashing and burning. when it really counts, i have a tendency to fall apart. i just feel bad, you know? because they're all so expectant. with their confiding smiles and knowing gaze. it hurts to look them in the eyes. it's times like these when my insecurity flares up and fills my airways so that i can barely breathe in the knowledge that i'll most likely let them down.

i mean, i'm trying my hardest and i've pretty much sacrificed my social life this year. i'm going more subjects than everyone else and i don't get home most school nights until after eight o'clock. i'm also working to pay off my going to japan, and not really saving up much. i'm trying as hard as i can and i hope it will be enough, but its only a matter of time before i relapse into my emotional breakdown stage when everything gets too much.

on the bright side, my jap class is apparently very intimidated by me. ha. because i am such an intimidating person and all. :)

nothing

i will admit, lately i've been having trouble organising my thoughts. my paragraphs are cluttered and my thoughts are conveyed in circles. when i speak i make no sense, and when i dream, i become consumed by mundane events that i don't even spend waking hours thinking about.

honestly, year twelve is fucking with my head and i can't seem to function properly these days. i fret over the most innocuous things and my ability to deal with stress and problems seems to have completely decayed, to the point where all that's left is the all-consuming mass of panic in the back of my mind, in the pit of my stomach.

and then there's my histrionic personality and paranoid tendencies. my unpredictable mood swings and obsessive compulsive moments. i'm prone to hysteria and overwhelming moments of insecurity and loneliness. recurring lapses of over-emotional angsty teenager. yeah. i'm a mess.

nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan

ah, fuck yeah
pointless post #infinity

fail fail both arms

all i seem to do is set myself up for failure.
i hate it.
even my dreams are becoming increasing negative, and i wake up bathed in paranoia and disappointment. even non-reality is slowly becoming a reality, i can't be haunted like my dreams like this.

i hate birthdays, all they do is remind you how lonely you are, and reiterate in an oh so blunt manner, that no matter how much you give ... you never get anything in return. fuck. i try so hard to make everyone happy and all they do is flaunt that in my face, then push my face into a brick wall (in a painful metaphorical manner, of course).

yeah. i give up.