spinning

you know that feeling when everything in life is spinning completely out of your control? man. i feel as though nothing's going the way it should be, and i have no hold over anything. i don't like this. i need some kind of control, or at least a guarantee everything will be fine.

this year, i've definitely evolved into an optimistic, 'glass half full' kind of person. its insane. i feel fucking on top of the world. when only about an hour ago i was convinced it was all falling down around me. but it's really not. perspective is everything, i guess.

as long as i get to go to japan, i can't really complain. so fingers crossed, eh. stalking ikuta toma and seeing arashi live are also up on my list, buuut somehow i think that's kind of unrealistic haha.

i'm also going to stop falling in love with every single person i see, all it does is complicates my mood swings and leads to manic depressive tendencies.

but yeah, i feel fine. fine fine fine.

dreams

you know when you cry so hard you can't breathe, and it doesn't really count as crying anymore?
i've quite possibly hit rock bottom. reality ... i'm not much of a fan of reality. i'd much rather reside in my dreams, and i have been for quite a while now. but there's nothing like having your dreams shattered to open your eyes.

and now, all i want to do is close them and go back to sleep. but i don't think i can.
i just want to go back to sleep

only everything below

there is grace in a steeple collapsing

pictures

do you remember back when we'd sing have heart at school and reminisce? then have heart broke up, and you left the school. now i don't listen to either anymore. i thought i was so past all of that. i thought i'd outgrown that kind of immature caring. but honestly, i started listening to have heart again on the bus today. first time all year. and now i miss the past, so bad. i even miss you, the old you. i miss the innocent simplicity, where everything was black and white, and you were either liked or hated. fuck, miss that black and white stage. i thought i knew everything. the world was mine, goddammit.

sometimes i think i know myself so well. but it's moments like this where i doubt every fucking thing. is conceding defeat a strength or a weakness? i feel so small, so tired. so insignificant and naive.


i wish people would stop interrupting my thoughts.

dress ups

playing dress ups. i literally cannot wait for winter. and i am so overdressed for work, but don't even mind at all.
there should be some kind of law that sad people should listen to dance gavin dance when they feel like shit. dgd never fail to cheer me up, never.

alice in wonderland

if only i could move to wonderland

careful

if we're fucked up, you're to blame.

prospects

so i told my mother about my plans for next year, and she freaked. completely fucking freaked. at first, she kind of took it as a joke and mentioned really juvenile aspects (ie: but we'll miss you! you'll miss your eighteenth!) but then she started to get really angry. is it such a bad thing to want to move to another country?

my god, its not even one year.
is my family really so short sighted?
you think they'd be relieved to have me out of their hair.

by the hour

we were characters in a dream.

a story for supper

for a moment, we were infinite
headlights exposed our vulnerabilities
but the scenery didn’t mind.

Gazing at a skyless night
such an endless expanse that i fell into
cheap thrill seeking never elicited such an invincible feeling

in this world, we are nothing
yet i can be nothing, have nothing
if all i can have is you
but i can’t.
You already have your something.

In that moment, we were infinite
headlights couldn’t change the world
i gladly fell into the blackness that beckoned
with you, i thought i could fly




my thoughts are cluttered and my mind, distracted. i feel too exhausted for life right now; too tired to exist. once again, the prospect of year twelve (and resuming class tomorrow) is compressing my skull in a violent manner. let me out of here

nine.

and if we get beaten by this winter, if we get strangled by regret: just let our love of life and tension gasp in sweet and stuttered breaths. and have them lay us in a basement, smash some bottles on the ground; and say we couldn't tell the difference between the feeling and the sound.

i'm so fucking jealous and its through a screen. i need to get a grip and grow up. fuck.