i think you saw me confronting my fear

what's it like to live in a world full of paranoid tendencies & manic depressive thoughts & obsessive compulsive actions
& what's it like to live in a world where you're scared of everything?


its terrifying.






la dispute on repeat, as usual.

memories

i think i reminisce too much.
i dream about the future and i live in the past.
and consequently ignore the present.


moshing on a rooftop in tokyo with ellen
i miss this.

confession

i am so far gone

damaged goods.

so we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us. oh, how they always wait for me.

last night was fantastic, bar a few aspects. but all up, mad fun.
although i had a shower & changed my clothes & i still reek of smoke. ha.
i'm not exactly liking the way i've been treating people, to be completely honest.
and i don't really know if i'm turning into the person i want to be. i'm definitely making alot more mistakes than i used to. oh god.

i just woke up, i thought it was monday. so insanely disorientated, askfhdjkfds.

fall down. never get back up again

life is just overwhelming at the moment. last week i was a recluse, not leaving my house and struggling through school. planning my life once i got out of here. thinking of myself, as usual. i'm so fucking selfish. i got so negative about my life because my friends were moving on without me. i'd sit at home on saturday nights and wonder what the fuck went wrong.

and now? shit. i'm beginning to see the bigger picture. i've never been good at drawing, but i've comprised quite a comprehensive sketch. this past weekend i left the confines of my room and actually started going out again. shit. and within days i've been overwhelmed with all the shit going on. sucide, death, depression, eating disorders, bullying. it seems like god's throwing all my selfishness in my face by blatantly pointing out how unfucked my life really is. and i'm not even religious, but i swear there's something more out there. i refuse to believe the world is a bleak as this picture i painted. and even i am affected by things that barely even concern me. people i don't even know. problems i shouldn't even be aware of. but i am, and that makes all the difference. the end


and back to writing prepping for my literature essay on king henry IV part one. but fuck. now i can't concentrate.

fuck following, fuck being the sheep

people have no respect anymore.
everyone's treating edge like its some kind of trend; they all jump on the bandwagon and then when one person unclaims, suddenly effin domino effect and its not cool to have that label anymore.
can't anyone fucking think for themselves anymore?

eg, friend from school. i use the word friend very loosely cause honestly, i can't stand most of the people at my school. they're pretty much all alocholics, immature and talk too much. all they do is shriek and laugh, and it hurts my ears. so this friend, pretty much, whenever i speak to her, its like having a conversation with myself. every fucking thing i say she laughs and agrees with. nods her head. smiles. i can't have an actual conversation to her because she has no beliefs, morals or ideas. she doesn't think for herself, she's a fucking sheep. she agrees with what everyone else is saying. she dresses how everyone else dresses. she copies to no end, and i do not understand how anyone can live like that. its not even living really.


i saw ellen today, epic eastland chills, she was an hour late, i got a flower, i gave the flower away, we terrorised toy kingdom pt2, went bra shopping, wasted monezzz, reminisced x a zillion, and talked about everything that i can't talk about with anyone else with, cause honestly, all they do is laugh and agree when i ask a question. fuck that.

unlearn

copied shamelessly from a blog i stumbled upon;
When I was 5 years old, my mum told me happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life.
this rings so incredibly true.

and most of the people that i've experienced so much with this whole year, have completely disappeared from my life. at first i thought it was my own choice to isolate myself; but even now when i try to converse, to catch up, they all ignore or make excuses. i don't like this at all. i want them back.
somehow i'm lacking in true friends. most seem to let me down when i need someone there; disappear when i need to depend on anyone. i guess it's inevitable, this overbearing loneliness. but strangely enough, the impact hasn't hit yet. the notion of staying home with my thoughts on a saturday night isn't that dark a prospect at the moment.
it takes time, i guess.