the new year.

next year is going to be the best year ever. i honestly cannot wait. i want to leave the past behind and make the most of the future and its opportunities. new year, new people, new places. its going to be amazing.

don't speak

i'm slowly turning back into a recluse. i'm shunning invites and keeping to the safety of these four walls. i don't want to get hurt anymore. i just can't seem to deal with reality. year twelve next year seems almost like a blessing right now. i miss the way thing used to be. i'm reminiscing and i can't seem to escape the comfort of the past, no matter where i am. and tonight. things could have been something. yet i'm forced to avoid confrontation as i don't believe i'm welcome in that life anymore. it used to be something i lived for. what happened?

christmas

& christmas is just another excuse for ever unrelenting obsession with materialistic crap. & on it goes, i guess. this lust for consumerism and taking, not giving, is so lost on me. the thing i most look forward to about christmas is honestly the christmas tree, the decorations, the food, and spending time with my family. its pretty much the only time of year i get to see my cousins. and pretty much the only time of year i get to eat so much wonderful food. though i have to say. i am not looking forward to working at 7am on boxing day ><


i think christmas is a time to push aside all selfish concerns and worries. i'll go back to be angsty on boxing day. ha.

i can't even type it without crying. i'm such a mess. i've been an emotional wreck all day. so what do you do when your best friend becomes a stranger in front of your own eyes? i've been observing as she evolves. i don't even recognise her anymore. but then again. i don't even recognise myself. and evidently christmas is in less than two days. merry fucking christmas, everyone.

glass

i don't know what i want anymore. i don't even know what i'm supposed to be doing anymore. i feel like i'm wandering aimlessly. except i keep walking into things. i can't even walk in a straight line. i need to come back down to earth. i'm in that strange dreamlike state still, where everything kind of occurs from through glass. and i'm just observing, not actually participating in life. it's strange. but oh so safe.

differences

today was one of those that was so unlike my life. it felt as though i was living a life of a different person, with different people and different places and different everything. it was so weird. and now, with the night pretty much over and i'm left in my refuge to contemplate everything ... i still feel different. as though that was like a hint of what my life could be, if i associated with different people, gave up on different things and stopped trying so hard to be someone different. some one i'm not. if i stopped hanging on to the past so much, and embraced the possibilities and opportunites of now, i could be such a different person. it made me wonder. so many differences in this blog entry. I apologise.

'i was just some bitch who kept falling over until i met kaori.'
-ha. love exposure.



also.
'i get high when i destroy stuff.'

words

i feel so disconnected. i'm going through the motions yet i'm not even living. these holidays i've gone out every single day, i'm constantly exhausted. yet looking back, i don't think i'm even enjoying myself. i'm just doing things to keep myself from boredom and dissatisfaction, and i just can't seem to appreciate simple happiness anymore. tonight i lay on the trampoline in the heat, watching the setting sky, listening to ten second epic and reading the perks of being a wallflower. simple moments like this only caused me to feel lonely, rather than content. i don't know what's happening to me anymore.

and it seems that lately, the only songs i feel i can connect to are in different languages. if that doesn't validate my aforementioned point, then i don't know what does. i seem to be unable to express myself anymore. words never fail me, but now they have. i am at a total loss.

so i thought i was very smart.
i guess my study score just reiterated the unpleasant point of how many people in the world (well, okay, victoria) are more intelligent than me. why would you even set yourself up for that kind of disappointed? As & A+s on both exams. And for what? Lame.

of course nobody lives forever. what a silly assumption to make.

dresden dolls

i feel so disconnected from the world. like there's a glass pane between me and everyone else. between my autopiloted actions as i go through the motions, and this voice in my head that won't stop speaking.

i finished school this afternoon, and headed out of the school grounds to a dreaded five hours of work. ironically, work turned out to be the best part of my day. so i was walking and thinking and my mother was also walking, towards me, and this in iteself was strange. as she never arrives until after four to pick us up, and it was barely three thirty. she fell into my arms, crying, and we stood there, hugging and crying as my entire cohort shifted around us as they finished another day of school in their uncolourful lives. i recall leaving mum and ending up with two dear friends, attempting and failing to refrain from crying. i couldn't fucking see anything and my mascara was not waterproof, and the most random, scattered thoughts were racing through my head incoherently. and this same disconnected voice was observing and commenting on this situation, and i felt numb, yet my emotions were clearly spinning out of control.

the walk to mcdonalds never ended. never before in my life had i cared less about walking in a straight line, about my appearance, about the fact i couldn't even keep on the footpath. my feet were dragging on the ground and i half stumbled the entire way, barely conscious of what i was doing. reflecting, i am still shocked at my reaction; i did not believe i could react in such a way to this, could not believe that i was capable of such a reaction.

although six hours at mcdonalds restored me to my normal state quite quickly.

world

When did the world grow up and forget about me? I will admit, I am prone to looking through possessions when I feel lost. I guess it’s my subconscious way of reacquainting myself with the comfort of the familiar. Yet today, rather than calming me down with the warmth of familiarity, I was blatantly presented with the truth. Is it so hard to come to terms with the fact that the days of being young and immature, fighting like children are indeed left in the past? I just don’t understand when this happened, and why I didn’t see it for myself. And so I’m left here to ponder my thoughts, after a morning of cranking Break Even to the maximum volume and jumping on the trampoline. Alone, with only my immaturity and thoughts to keep me company.

castle builders

i have this fantastic ability to dig myself into the deepest holes.

there's nothing better than the ones who will always be there for you, no matter how far away they seem to be

and the boat sails on.

the only thing worse than crying is crying for yourself when you should be crying for someone. right now, i hate myself. i never realised i was so fucking selfish.


besides, its not right that i should get a life while other people are losing theirs.
a bit of balance would make sense.

three exams down, two to go.
and a job interview.
and i'm sitting here surrounded by maths and legal revision in tears.

relevance

fuck optimism.
honestly, i get my hopes up for everything and all i ever do is get let down.
i never would have felt this worse if i wasn't so optimistic.

fuck the glass, its just empty.
not half full or empty.
there's nothing in it.

my fortune cookie told me romance will slip away if i devote myself to work. well guess what mr fortune cookie, i start exams on friday and have two job interviews .. so perhaps romance is dead? ha.


currently listening to j-pop and studying for my japanese exam simultaneously.
今、JPOPを聞きながら日本語のしけんの勉強をしている。

how do our lives ravel out into the no-wind, no-sound, the weary gestures wearily recapitulant: echoes of old compulsions with no-hand on no-strings: in sunset we fall into furious attitudes, dead gestures of dolls.

darl

"i don't know what i am. i don't know if i am or not. jewel knows he is, because he does not know that he does not know whether he is or not."
-as i lay dying


the one book that not necessarily changed my life, but definitely altered my perspective and opened my eyes.

nothing in my life is original anymore, even my dreams are repeating themselves

my way of dealing with stress is cutting my hair. and not dealing with the stress. eeek.


i feel its going to be a long night tonight. and tomorrow night also.

koizora

say, why do you like the sky so much?






spent the long weekend lazing about in the hammock wrapped in a doona reading as i lay dying. it was like a dream.

i'll admit

parties freak me out. any kind of social interaction scares me. i should become a recluse, i spend my whole life hiding or making excuses. anxiety, panic attacks and hysteria reign, even now. i hate being like this.

but even more, i'm terrified of being alone.
its so fucked.

break even

was so fucking amazing.
even after all the drama and emotional breakdowns of that morning
and the point where i was in tears contemplating whether to catch the next train home or just wait some more.
but i went and i am so fucking glad i did.
best show ever.
definitely up there with la dispute and have heart.
i stage dived, for the first time ever. also got some amazing mic grabs. which was a bonus. i have this impressive bruise on my knee. it swelled up heaps last night buuut its gone down alot since. but oh well.

fantastic, amazing show. ricardo's the night before was pretty lovely as well. not as good as expected, but fun nonetheless. also movies on friday night was so much fun, i love everybody and i decided i'm never paying for a movie ticket again (H)

i think i'm losing it, i'm falling in love every other day

you went and made a sweet wreck of my soul,
and i've already forgiven you

feeling pretty terrible,

i don't understand anything.
all i understand is the i have not felt this low, or this alone, or this empty, in quite a while.
holidays always bring out the worst in me.

i just don't know what to do. i feel as though everyone's abandoned me, and i'm pretty sure i'm not just paranoid like usual.

i never thought being alone would feel this lonely
i've never felt so pathetic and left behind.

the end

memory card memories

so i was sifting through my old phone's memory card before to sort out all the usual technology dramas. and i found a shitload of photos/movies/memories that elicited quite a reminiscing session. haha i nearly cried. i miss those days so much. everyone was different and everything was straight forward. happiness was so attainable. and i'm not even talking about the old primary school days. these memories were from february/march/april. fuck. i look back and barely recognise half of the faces i see. most of the people just aren't the same anymore.

i barely recognise myself.
i don't know how i could have been so happy and never even realised. i guess you only realise what you've lost when it's not there anymore.

and here's a snapshot of my own memory card memories.



my thousand word essay from detention on how my not wearing a blazer affected everyone around me. read it sometime, its quite the work of art


bushfiressss near school :|


yes, we dissected brains in psych. was insanely fun.


me and alex, don't even remember when this was taken.

i've purposely avoided having other people in the photos. i don't think this needs to explained. some memories don't depend on other people; those photos make me sad.

i'm sick of my dramatics.

i think its been well established

that i have problems.
i can't let anything go right for once without fucking it up myself.
and the worst thing is that, i'm conscious of what i'm doing, i'm listening to myself speaking, yet i can't stop. it's like i enjoy witnessing my own self-destruction. that i like to observe myself sever all that's actually going right in my life.
it's like i'm unconsciously distancing myself from the people i want closest. as if by severing these ties, i won't become vulnerable to whatever hurt they want to inflict my way. so i can get in first, end up alone, cold and untouched. just to protect myself from this pain that i'm always wary of. from love, and the shit it brings with it. from a chance at happiness, only to be torn down by despair. from living, from hiding within these four walls.


and this irks me quite alot.

i miss

i miss belonging, i miss being part of a group, i miss being able to count on/depend on people to be there for you, i miss friendship, i miss love and i miss how genuine and caring people used to be.

i hate living on the fringe, i hate not fitting in, i hate not being able to depend of anyone. i hate the fact that most of my friends don't even fit the definition of a friend, and i hate how i can't keep up. i hate being left of out every fucking thing. i hate being a convenient friend. i hate being a recluse and never going out. i hate how all people do is continously let me down, and yet i keep presenting them with more and more opportunities to hurt me.

i'm not that strong, honestly.
i hate this.

i can't do this anymore

it's like i'm scared of my own shadow.
when i'm around other people i'm happy.
but when i'm alone i just sink into this spiral of negativity. i get haunted by my own thoughts. i feel like i'm drowning in this despair. i can't do this. i'm scared of the four walls that enclose me in this room, in this confined isolation.



i really hate my parents for making me a prisoner in my own home. the walls could seriously have bars on them for all they serve. fuck everything.
this weekend has been unbearable. last night i waited for six hours for the clock to tick over, for tomorrow to arrive. it seemed as though it would never come. thank god it came. and today, exactly the same routine of nothing. it can't be long before insanity prevails. my god. get me the fuck out of here.

recluse

after midnight & i was writing.
i'm becoming such a recluse, i never leave my room anymore.
just me & my computer.


She built a river to keep her emotions detached; her thoughts performed more clinical operations than a doctor. She lost her herself in the onslaught of the storm; it ripped her spirit out to sea, drowned her carefree thoughts in seas of black. The receding tide was all that remained. She was nothing more than a shell, abandoned and discarded in the empty night. The wind cursed her idealistic dreams. The rain seeped through her innocent worldview, blurring the ink of her once-eloquent coherences. The straight line she followed was washed away by the incoming tide. The surge of the waves clung to her frail resistance, flooding even her isolated soul. Until all that was left, was a shell that externally seemed the same, yet internally all was lost. She was never the same again after the storm embraced her with such a suffocating, controlling grip. She was never the same.


and now; watching spirited away, then death note, then skip beat. oh my.

i think you saw me confronting my fear

what's it like to live in a world full of paranoid tendencies & manic depressive thoughts & obsessive compulsive actions
& what's it like to live in a world where you're scared of everything?


its terrifying.






la dispute on repeat, as usual.

memories

i think i reminisce too much.
i dream about the future and i live in the past.
and consequently ignore the present.


moshing on a rooftop in tokyo with ellen
i miss this.

confession

i am so far gone

damaged goods.

so we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us. oh, how they always wait for me.

last night was fantastic, bar a few aspects. but all up, mad fun.
although i had a shower & changed my clothes & i still reek of smoke. ha.
i'm not exactly liking the way i've been treating people, to be completely honest.
and i don't really know if i'm turning into the person i want to be. i'm definitely making alot more mistakes than i used to. oh god.

i just woke up, i thought it was monday. so insanely disorientated, askfhdjkfds.

fall down. never get back up again

life is just overwhelming at the moment. last week i was a recluse, not leaving my house and struggling through school. planning my life once i got out of here. thinking of myself, as usual. i'm so fucking selfish. i got so negative about my life because my friends were moving on without me. i'd sit at home on saturday nights and wonder what the fuck went wrong.

and now? shit. i'm beginning to see the bigger picture. i've never been good at drawing, but i've comprised quite a comprehensive sketch. this past weekend i left the confines of my room and actually started going out again. shit. and within days i've been overwhelmed with all the shit going on. sucide, death, depression, eating disorders, bullying. it seems like god's throwing all my selfishness in my face by blatantly pointing out how unfucked my life really is. and i'm not even religious, but i swear there's something more out there. i refuse to believe the world is a bleak as this picture i painted. and even i am affected by things that barely even concern me. people i don't even know. problems i shouldn't even be aware of. but i am, and that makes all the difference. the end


and back to writing prepping for my literature essay on king henry IV part one. but fuck. now i can't concentrate.

fuck following, fuck being the sheep

people have no respect anymore.
everyone's treating edge like its some kind of trend; they all jump on the bandwagon and then when one person unclaims, suddenly effin domino effect and its not cool to have that label anymore.
can't anyone fucking think for themselves anymore?

eg, friend from school. i use the word friend very loosely cause honestly, i can't stand most of the people at my school. they're pretty much all alocholics, immature and talk too much. all they do is shriek and laugh, and it hurts my ears. so this friend, pretty much, whenever i speak to her, its like having a conversation with myself. every fucking thing i say she laughs and agrees with. nods her head. smiles. i can't have an actual conversation to her because she has no beliefs, morals or ideas. she doesn't think for herself, she's a fucking sheep. she agrees with what everyone else is saying. she dresses how everyone else dresses. she copies to no end, and i do not understand how anyone can live like that. its not even living really.


i saw ellen today, epic eastland chills, she was an hour late, i got a flower, i gave the flower away, we terrorised toy kingdom pt2, went bra shopping, wasted monezzz, reminisced x a zillion, and talked about everything that i can't talk about with anyone else with, cause honestly, all they do is laugh and agree when i ask a question. fuck that.

unlearn

copied shamelessly from a blog i stumbled upon;
When I was 5 years old, my mum told me happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment and I told them they didn't understand life.
this rings so incredibly true.

and most of the people that i've experienced so much with this whole year, have completely disappeared from my life. at first i thought it was my own choice to isolate myself; but even now when i try to converse, to catch up, they all ignore or make excuses. i don't like this at all. i want them back.
somehow i'm lacking in true friends. most seem to let me down when i need someone there; disappear when i need to depend on anyone. i guess it's inevitable, this overbearing loneliness. but strangely enough, the impact hasn't hit yet. the notion of staying home with my thoughts on a saturday night isn't that dark a prospect at the moment.
it takes time, i guess.

the bright side

It's strange how some people creep into your life unexpectedly, and before you know it, you're 'friends' or whatever word fits the meaning. And it's too late to distance yourself, or cancel the friendship, because you've already let them in without realising. So basically you're vulnerable to whatever shit they want to throw your way, every kind of wound they desire to inflict upon you, pretty much inviting them to fuck you over. But it's funny how that happens, cause usually that vulnerability becomes your ally. And those people become your closest.

new storms for older lovers

i just don't know what to think anymore. about anything. about anyone. honestly, right now i feel as if i'm invisble. dude. am i? :s

also la dispute are amazing. woah.

koizora

i'd like to meet a boy like hiro. who is like a river and wants to be the sky. who'll frame a piece for the sky & wait for me. who'll never leave me, even when the sky takes him for his own. if only a boy like that existed.

strings

& i will wait, for nothing, for you

this

You lost the notion of belonging in a world without illusion. I lost myself in this reflection that I thought we both shared. I guess it was a mistake on my behalf, thinking it was something more. But in the end best friends is just a word, devoid of meaning without being. Its ironic how your whole world can be perceived as meaningless from the person you thought knew best. That which means the world to you is in the end a shallow hope, a rope that slowly tightens its hold around your neck. I think I’ll watch the world end without you, the night fall in solitude. And who really cares when the sky falls down, if there’s no one to save from the destruction. And best friends is just a word to drown you with.


:)

irvine

Everyday it’s the same clichéd advice.
Yet how can I be myself when
I don’t know who myself is?
I’m losing myself to the girl in the mirror
When all I have is a ntion of who I am;
A self description courtesy of the mirror
A self destruction courtesy of him
A notion of insecurity that threatens to destroy
The empire I’ve built, the walls that keep me safe
The comfort that helps me sleep at night.

And may I wake up tomorrow buried in these ruins
While my empire has fallen, the mirror has reigned
And may I never wake up, drowned in bliss.



i closed my eyes and followed delusion to wherever it took me;
the one time i let the walls down
was the last time i ever let him
let me down.

the end.

have heart

so i can't even begin to explain how much this band means to me.
they've made me cry so much in the past four days.
everytime i watch that video from the castle i cry. i watch it pretty much ten times a day. i've had their music on repeat for the past few weeks. i've listened to nothing else. except i was listening to kelly clarkson today :s but that does not count. :|
have heart are just so amazing.
its insane how amazing they are.
they are, insanely amazing

patrick flynn is the most lovely person everrrrr. i swear, he is my hero. there just aren't enough men like him. i could rave about him for ages. which is all i've been doing the last three days or so. raving about him. yeaah.

seeing them on sunday was easily the best show i have ever been to, just from their set. that's how amazing they were. words cannot express what an impact they have had on my life. words cannot express how content i was just to see them play.

yet i wish i could have seen them more than once.
i wish i had more fucking freedom
or more conviction
or less of a notion of right and wrong. obeying and disobeying. less of a conscience. i just wish i had the courage to run away. cause right now, that's all i want to do. i feel as though i'm being suffocated by staying here. but i can't leave. i learnt that last night. i could have seen them one final time.
but i went straight home.
i'm just so weak. i hate that.




more than music, its a life.

disconnected in this cut-throat world of giants and jealousy that murder me with every dial tone. all i have is a notion of who i am, a self description courtesy of the mirror. a self destruction courtesy of him.

tbh, i don't know how to say this.
but i am so fucking confused.
i hate regrets.
but right now,
i feel empty.
i feel slightly asfhshfkldfshlks
i've concluded that i hesitate too much.
i waste too many chances
miss too many opportunities
fuck up most things.
but even when i try,
like really try.
everything fails.
& i just feel like i'm pulling this weight all on my own.
i just can't do this one-sided.
i need help.

i just don't get it,
at all.
the end.

time takes its toll on us

get me the fuck out,

'to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me everybody else means, to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.'
-e.e cummings.

so i'm scared of alot of things.
that's normal right ?
i don't know.
i don't know about anything anymore.

i feel like i'm scared to get close to some people.
i'm pretty much subconsciously pushing away.
i'm scared of hurting people as well.
i'm scared the countless times i fuck up will have some sort of cause&effect
on the people
i'm afraid of hurting.
i'm scared that i'm not a very good person.
the end,

& ps, am still sick.
swine flu is going to kill us all.
:0

is destruction

i don't know.
i think i'm losing myself.

i can't seem to have fun anymore.
lately i've been paranoid, slightly hysterical, breaking down over the slightest thing, and i just can't seem to calm down, or be myself.

its as though everything is weighing me down
& i'm pretty much sinking down with it all
et cetera.

oh dear.

so it just got announced today that miyavi got married, like end of last year. duuuuuuuude i just posted a bulletin yesterday stating how i was going to marry him lol, slightly fucked timing eh ? ily him so much.
not as much as toma though. :DDDDD

as the amplifier screams out loud

why am i always the last to fucking know ? what kind of fucking person treats you like that, not even bothering to fucking tell you, yet telling everyone else & causing me to find out from other people, which is not only fucking low but also embarrassing as when something that is not anyone's business suddenly everyone knows ... except you. & at the last possible minute, fucking times it well ... right now everything that could possible go wrong is a complete disaster, i am a total mess, i think i am losing my friends and spiralling downwards in complete emptiness it feels like. i'm just going through the motions mechanically waiting for something to change, to break free of this monotonous cycle and just waiting for things to actually work out for a change. & right now i'm being suffocated with the whole pitying shit, which i do not want/need. spent half the night in tears, am a loser.

not to mention a chair fell on me today & i have this mass bruise on my leg. thanks a fucking lot.

breathing underwater.

all i could eat was decay, now i'm struggling with such great expectations.

was embraced by the storm

yesterday was good/shit.
went into the city with ellen when she finally decided to show up like two hours after we agreed. went to photoworld & massive lol @ what happened there, most embarrassing and hilarious and stupid thing ever, i will never ever repeat it again and deffs not here ahahah
met up with about twenty other people from school & we headed over to photoplus, which is obvs better than photoworld, and all somehow managed to fit into a booth and it was quite lol indeed.
then we went shopping & bought some clothes that was unbelievably cheap then i bought hana kimi (yeeeeeeeee !)& ellen and i paid 5$$ each and bought ponyo :)
then went on the train back to dande, was slightly neg for reason i'd rather not get into, but the day went slightly downhill, then got even shitter at dande when i didn't even get to see giants! but instead had to leave at like six thirty. met up with some people which was really good :DDDD managed to get back to the station alive and etc, did not get raped which was a bonus. then went home and now my parents are in vegas/somewhere over the pacific & i am making a point not doing my lit essay cause its hard, otherwise i would not even be writing this but whatever, i am & get over it.


ily toma.

never receptive, my feelings were never receptive

i was holding my breath every single day, pushing aside the rotten decay of this ache that taunts and tears the hole open suffocating wounds as to forget they were there, painted a palette of colour to brighten up the shades of grey that smothered even the faintest hope coloured over my darkest hour, forcing it into a cheery facade that hinted at nothing worth sharing and everything that didn't exist if you admit you're prone to injury does that cause more hurt to flood your way? i see no visible escape from confession it's out in the open, waiting to be taken advantage of at the slightest hesitation i could make a list of all the reasons i was too fucking weak to break routine it's hard to reach the surface when you cannot let go of what is killing you you pushed the trigger in my face i smiled and played along looking for an edge to jump from, searching for another way to fall anything to ignore the hole that ripped the carefully concealed wounds apart threatened to expose the flaws and weaknesses that i'd kept hidden "i'd guard it with my life" you say yet willing to die for nothing proves pointless if only you get hurt in the process. if you kill yourself.

human body, anchor

what are you supposed to do when your friends don't have space for you in their life anymore? what are you supposed to do when they leave you behind? i feel so fucking alone. like, i cannot just listen 24/7 to every fucking reason he/she is better than me. it's like hearing confirmation in very way of how i am too boring, too predictable, not good enough.

and to be completely honest, i am sick of it.

the cracks in the sky aren't getting any smaller

so like, here goes nothing.
i am not the type of person to post in a blog.
you should probably know that.
i am not the type of person to do so.
yet here i am.

today i took photos at point leo.
there was this one small boat, captivating by its simplicity (it was the kind of boat you'd see in a picture book) yet it seemed shrouded in emptiness, by the fact that it was anchored into the sand and left behind as the tide had receded.
in life, i am that boat. simple as that.