feeling pretty terrible,

i don't understand anything.
all i understand is the i have not felt this low, or this alone, or this empty, in quite a while.
holidays always bring out the worst in me.

i just don't know what to do. i feel as though everyone's abandoned me, and i'm pretty sure i'm not just paranoid like usual.

i never thought being alone would feel this lonely
i've never felt so pathetic and left behind.

the end

memory card memories

so i was sifting through my old phone's memory card before to sort out all the usual technology dramas. and i found a shitload of photos/movies/memories that elicited quite a reminiscing session. haha i nearly cried. i miss those days so much. everyone was different and everything was straight forward. happiness was so attainable. and i'm not even talking about the old primary school days. these memories were from february/march/april. fuck. i look back and barely recognise half of the faces i see. most of the people just aren't the same anymore.

i barely recognise myself.
i don't know how i could have been so happy and never even realised. i guess you only realise what you've lost when it's not there anymore.

and here's a snapshot of my own memory card memories.



my thousand word essay from detention on how my not wearing a blazer affected everyone around me. read it sometime, its quite the work of art


bushfiressss near school :|


yes, we dissected brains in psych. was insanely fun.


me and alex, don't even remember when this was taken.

i've purposely avoided having other people in the photos. i don't think this needs to explained. some memories don't depend on other people; those photos make me sad.

i'm sick of my dramatics.

i think its been well established

that i have problems.
i can't let anything go right for once without fucking it up myself.
and the worst thing is that, i'm conscious of what i'm doing, i'm listening to myself speaking, yet i can't stop. it's like i enjoy witnessing my own self-destruction. that i like to observe myself sever all that's actually going right in my life.
it's like i'm unconsciously distancing myself from the people i want closest. as if by severing these ties, i won't become vulnerable to whatever hurt they want to inflict my way. so i can get in first, end up alone, cold and untouched. just to protect myself from this pain that i'm always wary of. from love, and the shit it brings with it. from a chance at happiness, only to be torn down by despair. from living, from hiding within these four walls.


and this irks me quite alot.

i miss

i miss belonging, i miss being part of a group, i miss being able to count on/depend on people to be there for you, i miss friendship, i miss love and i miss how genuine and caring people used to be.

i hate living on the fringe, i hate not fitting in, i hate not being able to depend of anyone. i hate the fact that most of my friends don't even fit the definition of a friend, and i hate how i can't keep up. i hate being left of out every fucking thing. i hate being a convenient friend. i hate being a recluse and never going out. i hate how all people do is continously let me down, and yet i keep presenting them with more and more opportunities to hurt me.

i'm not that strong, honestly.
i hate this.

i can't do this anymore

it's like i'm scared of my own shadow.
when i'm around other people i'm happy.
but when i'm alone i just sink into this spiral of negativity. i get haunted by my own thoughts. i feel like i'm drowning in this despair. i can't do this. i'm scared of the four walls that enclose me in this room, in this confined isolation.



i really hate my parents for making me a prisoner in my own home. the walls could seriously have bars on them for all they serve. fuck everything.
this weekend has been unbearable. last night i waited for six hours for the clock to tick over, for tomorrow to arrive. it seemed as though it would never come. thank god it came. and today, exactly the same routine of nothing. it can't be long before insanity prevails. my god. get me the fuck out of here.

recluse

after midnight & i was writing.
i'm becoming such a recluse, i never leave my room anymore.
just me & my computer.


She built a river to keep her emotions detached; her thoughts performed more clinical operations than a doctor. She lost her herself in the onslaught of the storm; it ripped her spirit out to sea, drowned her carefree thoughts in seas of black. The receding tide was all that remained. She was nothing more than a shell, abandoned and discarded in the empty night. The wind cursed her idealistic dreams. The rain seeped through her innocent worldview, blurring the ink of her once-eloquent coherences. The straight line she followed was washed away by the incoming tide. The surge of the waves clung to her frail resistance, flooding even her isolated soul. Until all that was left, was a shell that externally seemed the same, yet internally all was lost. She was never the same again after the storm embraced her with such a suffocating, controlling grip. She was never the same.


and now; watching spirited away, then death note, then skip beat. oh my.