have heart

so i can't even begin to explain how much this band means to me.
they've made me cry so much in the past four days.
everytime i watch that video from the castle i cry. i watch it pretty much ten times a day. i've had their music on repeat for the past few weeks. i've listened to nothing else. except i was listening to kelly clarkson today :s but that does not count. :|
have heart are just so amazing.
its insane how amazing they are.
they are, insanely amazing

patrick flynn is the most lovely person everrrrr. i swear, he is my hero. there just aren't enough men like him. i could rave about him for ages. which is all i've been doing the last three days or so. raving about him. yeaah.

seeing them on sunday was easily the best show i have ever been to, just from their set. that's how amazing they were. words cannot express what an impact they have had on my life. words cannot express how content i was just to see them play.

yet i wish i could have seen them more than once.
i wish i had more fucking freedom
or more conviction
or less of a notion of right and wrong. obeying and disobeying. less of a conscience. i just wish i had the courage to run away. cause right now, that's all i want to do. i feel as though i'm being suffocated by staying here. but i can't leave. i learnt that last night. i could have seen them one final time.
but i went straight home.
i'm just so weak. i hate that.




more than music, its a life.

disconnected in this cut-throat world of giants and jealousy that murder me with every dial tone. all i have is a notion of who i am, a self description courtesy of the mirror. a self destruction courtesy of him.

tbh, i don't know how to say this.
but i am so fucking confused.
i hate regrets.
but right now,
i feel empty.
i feel slightly asfhshfkldfshlks
i've concluded that i hesitate too much.
i waste too many chances
miss too many opportunities
fuck up most things.
but even when i try,
like really try.
everything fails.
& i just feel like i'm pulling this weight all on my own.
i just can't do this one-sided.
i need help.

i just don't get it,
at all.
the end.

time takes its toll on us

get me the fuck out,

'to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me everybody else means, to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.'
-e.e cummings.

so i'm scared of alot of things.
that's normal right ?
i don't know.
i don't know about anything anymore.

i feel like i'm scared to get close to some people.
i'm pretty much subconsciously pushing away.
i'm scared of hurting people as well.
i'm scared the countless times i fuck up will have some sort of cause&effect
on the people
i'm afraid of hurting.
i'm scared that i'm not a very good person.
the end,

& ps, am still sick.
swine flu is going to kill us all.
:0