the new year.

next year is going to be the best year ever. i honestly cannot wait. i want to leave the past behind and make the most of the future and its opportunities. new year, new people, new places. its going to be amazing.

don't speak

i'm slowly turning back into a recluse. i'm shunning invites and keeping to the safety of these four walls. i don't want to get hurt anymore. i just can't seem to deal with reality. year twelve next year seems almost like a blessing right now. i miss the way thing used to be. i'm reminiscing and i can't seem to escape the comfort of the past, no matter where i am. and tonight. things could have been something. yet i'm forced to avoid confrontation as i don't believe i'm welcome in that life anymore. it used to be something i lived for. what happened?

christmas

& christmas is just another excuse for ever unrelenting obsession with materialistic crap. & on it goes, i guess. this lust for consumerism and taking, not giving, is so lost on me. the thing i most look forward to about christmas is honestly the christmas tree, the decorations, the food, and spending time with my family. its pretty much the only time of year i get to see my cousins. and pretty much the only time of year i get to eat so much wonderful food. though i have to say. i am not looking forward to working at 7am on boxing day ><


i think christmas is a time to push aside all selfish concerns and worries. i'll go back to be angsty on boxing day. ha.

i can't even type it without crying. i'm such a mess. i've been an emotional wreck all day. so what do you do when your best friend becomes a stranger in front of your own eyes? i've been observing as she evolves. i don't even recognise her anymore. but then again. i don't even recognise myself. and evidently christmas is in less than two days. merry fucking christmas, everyone.

glass

i don't know what i want anymore. i don't even know what i'm supposed to be doing anymore. i feel like i'm wandering aimlessly. except i keep walking into things. i can't even walk in a straight line. i need to come back down to earth. i'm in that strange dreamlike state still, where everything kind of occurs from through glass. and i'm just observing, not actually participating in life. it's strange. but oh so safe.

differences

today was one of those that was so unlike my life. it felt as though i was living a life of a different person, with different people and different places and different everything. it was so weird. and now, with the night pretty much over and i'm left in my refuge to contemplate everything ... i still feel different. as though that was like a hint of what my life could be, if i associated with different people, gave up on different things and stopped trying so hard to be someone different. some one i'm not. if i stopped hanging on to the past so much, and embraced the possibilities and opportunites of now, i could be such a different person. it made me wonder. so many differences in this blog entry. I apologise.

'i was just some bitch who kept falling over until i met kaori.'
-ha. love exposure.



also.
'i get high when i destroy stuff.'

words

i feel so disconnected. i'm going through the motions yet i'm not even living. these holidays i've gone out every single day, i'm constantly exhausted. yet looking back, i don't think i'm even enjoying myself. i'm just doing things to keep myself from boredom and dissatisfaction, and i just can't seem to appreciate simple happiness anymore. tonight i lay on the trampoline in the heat, watching the setting sky, listening to ten second epic and reading the perks of being a wallflower. simple moments like this only caused me to feel lonely, rather than content. i don't know what's happening to me anymore.

and it seems that lately, the only songs i feel i can connect to are in different languages. if that doesn't validate my aforementioned point, then i don't know what does. i seem to be unable to express myself anymore. words never fail me, but now they have. i am at a total loss.

so i thought i was very smart.
i guess my study score just reiterated the unpleasant point of how many people in the world (well, okay, victoria) are more intelligent than me. why would you even set yourself up for that kind of disappointed? As & A+s on both exams. And for what? Lame.

of course nobody lives forever. what a silly assumption to make.

dresden dolls

i feel so disconnected from the world. like there's a glass pane between me and everyone else. between my autopiloted actions as i go through the motions, and this voice in my head that won't stop speaking.

i finished school this afternoon, and headed out of the school grounds to a dreaded five hours of work. ironically, work turned out to be the best part of my day. so i was walking and thinking and my mother was also walking, towards me, and this in iteself was strange. as she never arrives until after four to pick us up, and it was barely three thirty. she fell into my arms, crying, and we stood there, hugging and crying as my entire cohort shifted around us as they finished another day of school in their uncolourful lives. i recall leaving mum and ending up with two dear friends, attempting and failing to refrain from crying. i couldn't fucking see anything and my mascara was not waterproof, and the most random, scattered thoughts were racing through my head incoherently. and this same disconnected voice was observing and commenting on this situation, and i felt numb, yet my emotions were clearly spinning out of control.

the walk to mcdonalds never ended. never before in my life had i cared less about walking in a straight line, about my appearance, about the fact i couldn't even keep on the footpath. my feet were dragging on the ground and i half stumbled the entire way, barely conscious of what i was doing. reflecting, i am still shocked at my reaction; i did not believe i could react in such a way to this, could not believe that i was capable of such a reaction.

although six hours at mcdonalds restored me to my normal state quite quickly.