i think its been well established

that i have problems.
i can't let anything go right for once without fucking it up myself.
and the worst thing is that, i'm conscious of what i'm doing, i'm listening to myself speaking, yet i can't stop. it's like i enjoy witnessing my own self-destruction. that i like to observe myself sever all that's actually going right in my life.
it's like i'm unconsciously distancing myself from the people i want closest. as if by severing these ties, i won't become vulnerable to whatever hurt they want to inflict my way. so i can get in first, end up alone, cold and untouched. just to protect myself from this pain that i'm always wary of. from love, and the shit it brings with it. from a chance at happiness, only to be torn down by despair. from living, from hiding within these four walls.


and this irks me quite alot.