never receptive, my feelings were never receptive

i was holding my breath every single day, pushing aside the rotten decay of this ache that taunts and tears the hole open suffocating wounds as to forget they were there, painted a palette of colour to brighten up the shades of grey that smothered even the faintest hope coloured over my darkest hour, forcing it into a cheery facade that hinted at nothing worth sharing and everything that didn't exist if you admit you're prone to injury does that cause more hurt to flood your way? i see no visible escape from confession it's out in the open, waiting to be taken advantage of at the slightest hesitation i could make a list of all the reasons i was too fucking weak to break routine it's hard to reach the surface when you cannot let go of what is killing you you pushed the trigger in my face i smiled and played along looking for an edge to jump from, searching for another way to fall anything to ignore the hole that ripped the carefully concealed wounds apart threatened to expose the flaws and weaknesses that i'd kept hidden "i'd guard it with my life" you say yet willing to die for nothing proves pointless if only you get hurt in the process. if you kill yourself.