dresden dolls

i feel so disconnected from the world. like there's a glass pane between me and everyone else. between my autopiloted actions as i go through the motions, and this voice in my head that won't stop speaking.

i finished school this afternoon, and headed out of the school grounds to a dreaded five hours of work. ironically, work turned out to be the best part of my day. so i was walking and thinking and my mother was also walking, towards me, and this in iteself was strange. as she never arrives until after four to pick us up, and it was barely three thirty. she fell into my arms, crying, and we stood there, hugging and crying as my entire cohort shifted around us as they finished another day of school in their uncolourful lives. i recall leaving mum and ending up with two dear friends, attempting and failing to refrain from crying. i couldn't fucking see anything and my mascara was not waterproof, and the most random, scattered thoughts were racing through my head incoherently. and this same disconnected voice was observing and commenting on this situation, and i felt numb, yet my emotions were clearly spinning out of control.

the walk to mcdonalds never ended. never before in my life had i cared less about walking in a straight line, about my appearance, about the fact i couldn't even keep on the footpath. my feet were dragging on the ground and i half stumbled the entire way, barely conscious of what i was doing. reflecting, i am still shocked at my reaction; i did not believe i could react in such a way to this, could not believe that i was capable of such a reaction.

although six hours at mcdonalds restored me to my normal state quite quickly.