close to me

this post should be read to the soundtrack of the cure.
this is from my japan days.

i came here to find myself, but all i seem to be doing is losing the ability to communicate in english. i don't quite belong in either of these worlds, i feel like i'm existing on the peripherals of life, where the colours have somwhat faded, the vibrancy dimmed. i want to stay, want to be in both places yet neither. i want to find a reason to stay, to fight against all of the reasons to leave. i love japan, honestly, but right now its making me tired. i'm tired. i'm forgetting most aspects of my life in australia before i left - abstract concepts like names and relationships, intangible ideas that have no place in such a foreign land. i'm so used to japan, to this life, that i'm losing touch with who i used to be. i can't remember anything clearly, the lines, the edges, everything's becoming blurred the longer i'm gone. my previous life is painted on canvas in violent strokes, but the inks are running and smudging in the rain. you can't hold back natural forces, natural progressions like time and change.



but i'm home now.