as i lay dying

people always emphasise how important it is to 'be yourself': but what if one singular, distinct form of 'self' does not exist? my identity isn't so straightforward that it can be encapsulated in one concept of 'self', and i struggle to find a simple definition of 'me'. and i'm eternally conscious of this, which causes me to question, constantly, when wondering, exactly, who i am and if the image i'm projecting to everyone is really 'me' or if i'm just a mess of countless, misdirected facades of a myself that may not even be real. a projection that is nothing more than a shallow reflection, or mirror that reflects simply what people want to see. how do you know what is real? i'm constantly shifting form, pale like an apparition in the way that i may not truly exist as an 'i' or a 'me', and unable to commit to relationships fully because i am afraid that the 'me' that i am may not be enough - or the person that i am, truly, is not distinct enough to stand on its own. a constant, suffocating compulsion to live up to others' expectations and ideas of you can only lead to self destruction. i do not understand how i can operate so many different sides of myself to deal with so many separate lives. i can't be myself because i'm not quite sure if there is a 'me' to possess, rightfully and individually. so many clashing factors influencing me to be so many conflicting types of people, i'm a disaster of mismatched experiments of teenage hysteria and self indulgence battling the quiet girl who hides behinds her music and books to not leave her room. this could be, perhaps, the source of the internal conflicts that assault my insides when i prepare for something that directly conflicts with the other side. explains the nausea and dizziness and feverish thoughts that consume me before leaving the house: and of course, the restless mania that accompanies the prospect of ennui. yet such conflict within self would not be complete without the bipolar tendencies that side-effect the never-ending war within my head. i think this blog in its entirety is testimonial to this.

"i don't know what i am. i don't know if i am or not. jewel knows he is, because he does not know that he does not know whether he is or not."