like air in a dream of drowning.

sometimes i overthink the simplest things.

2011-08-28T05:00:00.001-07:00

その解釈で、粉雪ということはメタファーのようなことになって、冬の終わりと共に経験したこと、見たこと、やったこと、全部、この冬が起こった証明は消えてしまった。春が来るつれて、全部はまた始まります。思い出しか残っていないんです。私にとって、始まること、終わること、人生なことはこの俳句に描写されて、それ以上に、世界の大きさと個人の人生の中でしたことはどんな大切さを持って、一人一人の意義か異議のないも表しています。どんなことを達成しても、失っても、永遠に残ることは何もないです。私の解釈は悲観的過ぎるかもしれないけど、これは私の考え方です。

以上～

so i have to write haiku for my assignment

2011-08-20T07:05:00.001-07:00

of much frustration and writers block, this is the only completed haiku i have been able to write. it’s pretty lame. it doesn’t convey all that i wanted to convey, the loneliness and solitude of winter’s grasp and the splintered, monochromatic wintry existence … but c’mon, i only had seventeen syllables to struggle with.

深い霧で　輪郭しか　見えないけり

so many people, nothing more than shadows

2011-08-19T06:31:00.000-07:00

i remember when you called me a good friend. that meant alot to me.

what happened to you? you used to be so close. just around the corner. you could still be there for all i know, all trace of you has faded like the morning fog being burnt through by the sun. you still cross my mind from time to time, and i mostly smile.

i guess we've all moved on though, walking our separate paths. for some reason i always thought ours would intersect, at least a little bit. i don't even know you've wandered, but you're definitely out of sight.

thank you for the good times, even the bad.

2011-08-14T04:16:00.000-07:00

work is sucking quite alot and all i seem to be doing these days is getting rundown and exhausted and consequently sick, and then when i recover work makes me exhausted and rundown and then the cycle begins again. argh.

女子高校生なんだよー

2011-07-26T03:58:00.000-07:00

so i’m reading shojo manga that my friend hito sent me from japan and just re-reading this series of strobe edge all of a sudden made me really homesick for japan, and i just flashbacked to hanging out in tachikawa, shopping and eating and going to the movies with the girls from junshin (hito included) and just being carefree and excellent. and it’s borderline ridiculous how this manga brings with it so many nostalgic memories, but it’s time like this where the feeling just hits me off guard and overwhelms me with this sadness that i’m sitting on my bed in australia reading it by myself, rather then reading it in my /other/ bedroom in tama or commore shiotsu and discussing the attractiveness of andou-kun with the girls later, and acting like a typical immature joshi koukousei.　i just want to turn back time or fast forward so that i can do this all again, i feel as if i didn't appreciate any of it the first time around.

何でこんな思い出は今急に出るのかな？女子高校生みたに生きているかもね。
日本に戻りたい。日本人の友達にまた会いたくて、遊びたくて。。お金さえあれば。。

何も

2011-07-08T00:18:00.001-07:00

何も感じない。出来ないから。何で出来ないの？人間じゃないの？人間じゃなければ、私は何だろう？どうなるかなあ

私って、誰？誰かな..

sunday morning broke and dragged me out of bed, slightly less asleep.

2011-06-28T04:17:00.000-07:00

narre warren north. such a sleepy sunday morning that i liked the quiet. nevermind the fact that it's the middle of nowhere.

sunday morning dreamt about a moment passed,
about a time i failed.
sunday morning i was staring at a clock
trying to push it back.
sunday morning wished to be a kid.

sunday morning shook me all the way awake.
stirred me from the dream.
sunday morning i was thinking of a phone call i should make
you never did.
i never did.

sunday morning broke and dragged me out of bed, slightly less asleep.

2011-06-16T08:07:00.000-07:00

sleep just doesn't seem to come naturally for me these days.
rather, it seems quite unnatural.
i miss the days of effortless sleep. being nocturnal is no fun when there's no one to keep you company. else it's dark and lonely. silence ringing in my ears. shadows dancing on my wall. that stupid alarm clock by my head, the ticking a constant presence reminding me of the passing of time. time passes. but absolutely nothing is fucking happening.

it just feels like such a waste.
i just want to dream.

the last lost continent.

2011-06-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

I felt your sickness brush against my arm as I walked by you —
Heard your voice but couldn't tell that it was you.
And, slowly, watched your sickness slip away into a place
That I'd once feared but I was not afraid this time
So I gave chase and found it, finally, slowly feeding from your head,
And from my friends, and from my family, so I grabbed it by the neck.
"For every lover you have ruined..." I dug my nails into it's flesh.
"... and every life that you have taken..."
Slammed it's head against the brick.
It's blood poured out onto the pavement,
I stirred it in with dirt and spit,
"I will take a part of you."
I made mortar from the mix.
Tore every organ from it's body,
Broke it's bone and fashioned bricks,
I laid the mortar in between,
I made a throne for hope to sit.
"Too long you've torn us into pieces,
Firmly held onto our wrists. Today I bury you in me."
I swallowed every inch of it.

I'll hold you, as you have held me -
You've held me in your heart, we'll be set free from fear.
We've felt our failures.
We've watched our passions leave, but we're still breathing on.
I'll hold you, as you have held me,
You've held me in your heart.
(And I will hold you in my heart)

But I still see him dead in the parking lot at the gas station just down the street.
And I still hear my friend say,
"You know, you wouldn't believe the things I saw when I was stationed overseas."
But he somehow keeps smiling in spite all of that,
While I keep finding ways to push the good out for the bad
Oh, how selfish of myself to always say that it was more than I could take,
Like it was pain I could not shake,
Like it could break me with it's fingers, throw my body in the lake,
And I would slowly sink away
But the Truth is it was sorrow that I made and would not face.
See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past.
And I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last like it defines me.
Or reminds me I've found comfort in my suffering
And uncertainty in happiness and death,
Because what's next is such a mystery to me.
I am terrified of all the things I feel but cannot see.
Friends and family, put your hand into my hand and lay your head into my chest.
You are all that I have left here
We are all that we have left.
We are the lovers, We are the last of our kind.
Link your arms and keep your chin up
And I swear that we'll be fine.
We are the lovers, We are the last of our kind.
Though we're not sure who we are, though we're not sure where we're from,
Though we're not sure when we'll leave, though we're not sure where we'll go,
We keep our heads up
We keep our hearts up
We keep our hopes up

Keep your head up. we're fine. Just keep your head up. I swear we'll be alright.
Keep your head up. Oh, my friends, keep your head up. and I swear we'll never die.
I swear we'll get home safe and sound, we'll live on underground
I will give your heart a place to rest when everything you had has turned and left.
I'll weave your names into my ribcage; lock your hearts inside my chest.
Regain the passion I once carried; do away with all the rest.
I tore the sickness from your bodies; smashed it's head against the bricks.
I made a castle from it's bones that you may always dwell in it.
So sing for every buried moment that you'd thought would never end.
And sing your fears about the future; and a dirge for faded friends.
For all the love that you had held to, why it somehow failed to keep.
And sing each minute you've been frightened; every hour that you've lost sleep
And sing for all your friends and family; sing for those who didn't survive.
But sing not for their final outcome; sing a song of how they tried.
We live amidst a violent storm; leaves us unsatisfied at best,
So fill your heart with what's important, and be done with all the rest.
We are what's left of what we once were
We are falling far behind.
There's so much stacking up against us and we're running out of time.

We are but hopeful children, and we're the last of our kind.
But if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but friends and family, we are the last of our kind.
So hold my hand, I'll lift your head up, and I promise we'll be fine.
We are but hopeful lovers, and we are running out of time.
There's so much stacking up against us, and we're falling far behind.
We are but hopeful lovers, we are the last of our kind,
But if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but lovers, we are the last of our kind.
And if we let our hearts move outward, I know we will never-
We are but lovers, we are the last of our kind.
And if we let our hearts move outward, we will never die.

falling back into the familiar pattern of la dispute, slightly homesick for last year. but everything has to change, i suppose. it sure has.

semantically incoherent

2011-06-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

i don't even know anything anymore.

as i lay dying

2011-06-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

people always emphasise how important it is to 'be yourself': but what if one singular, distinct form of 'self' does not exist? my identity isn't so straightforward that it can be encapsulated in one concept of 'self', and i struggle to find a simple definition of 'me'. and i'm eternally conscious of this, which causes me to question, constantly, when wondering, exactly, who i am and if the image i'm projecting to everyone is really 'me' or if i'm just a mess of countless, misdirected facades of a myself that may not even be real. a projection that is nothing more than a shallow reflection, or mirror that reflects simply what people want to see. how do you know what is real? i'm constantly shifting form, pale like an apparition in the way that i may not truly exist as an 'i' or a 'me', and unable to commit to relationships fully because i am afraid that the 'me' that i am may not be enough - or the person that i am, truly, is not distinct enough to stand on its own. a constant, suffocating compulsion to live up to others' expectations and ideas of you can only lead to self destruction. i do not understand how i can operate so many different sides of myself to deal with so many separate lives. i can't be myself because i'm not quite sure if there is a 'me' to possess, rightfully and individually. so many clashing factors influencing me to be so many conflicting types of people, i'm a disaster of mismatched experiments of teenage hysteria and self indulgence battling the quiet girl who hides behinds her music and books to not leave her room. this could be, perhaps, the source of the internal conflicts that assault my insides when i prepare for something that directly conflicts with the other side. explains the nausea and dizziness and feverish thoughts that consume me before leaving the house: and of course, the restless mania that accompanies the prospect of ennui. yet such conflict within self would not be complete without the bipolar tendencies that side-effect the never-ending war within my head. i think this blog in its entirety is testimonial to this.

"i don't know what i am. i don't know if i am or not. jewel knows he is, because he does not know that he does not know whether he is or not."

i think i've forgotten the art of sleep

2011-05-31T03:31:00.000-07:00

else i just can't wake up

君がこの世に生まれた～奇跡を信じれないという

2011-05-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

everything finally feels like its falling into place, but the pieces aren't exactly where i thought they'd fall.

もう決めたもん俺とお前50になっても同じベッドで寝るの
手と手合わせてたら血も繋がって一生離れなくなったりして
こんな夢をいつまでも見よう醒めなければいいってことにしとこう
醒めるから夢と呼ぶんでしょう?って言うなら他に名前つけよう

paintings

2011-05-10T03:17:00.001-07:00

so life is spinning so out of control and everyone that i thought i could count on isn't there anymore and there's so many new people that i probably could count on but i'm not sure if i want to or hold onto things that i'm losing or just plunge headfirst into the future without looking back. but i'm becoming somewhat conflict-averse to the point where nothing is what it used to be and the way i react to situations is nothing like it used to be so i guess in conclusion i'm not the same person i used to be, and evidently no one else is either. i didn't particularly want to lose sight of what i used to be, but others seem to be more keen to paint themselves in completely different colours and lights. but i knew you when you were shadows.

2011-04-26T00:06:00.001-07:00

people who don't keep their word are the worst kind of people.

a moment

2011-04-15T02:20:00.001-07:00

it just came to me and just remembering made me smile. risa and yuka and okaasan and i were youtubeing one night in japan, yuka was playing videos of hilarious k-pop boy bands, risa was finding ridiculous metal/visual kei bands that i would 'perhaps like' (they were ridiculous) and i was showing them lots of user friendly melbourne bands as well as la dispute (who they didn't quite appreciate, understandably). and then all of a sudden risa was jumping up and down trying to reach the ceiling and then all three of us were jumping and laughing hysterically as risa failed to get there and i managed it easily, and we were both the same height. we just kept jumping and laughing and the whole thing had such a 「何あってんの」みたいな感じ. it was such a lovely night. its little things like that that i miss about japan. the warmth of the people and the innocent spontaneity of our silly antics.

あぁもうどうなるか、まぁどうでもいいんですが

2011-04-13T18:29:00.001-07:00

last flowers.

2011-04-10T03:07:00.001-07:00

so on wednesday i'll finally be an adult. eighteen years of age. i just realised what that means. it was always just a number, a gateway to freedom and decadence and recklessness and disorder and all that.

i'm slightly terrified. i really don't want to grow up. i have to wonder, when did i get so old? time scares me, the way its doesn't stop. relentlessly pushing forwards, no matter what. i don't want to grow old. i don't want the responsibility or the reality or the monotony. i kind of just want to run away.

2011-04-02T04:03:00.000-07:00

i just don't know what's wrong with me. i can't stop crying.

i'd forgotten how incapable i am of friend-making

2011-03-01T23:07:00.000-08:00

i think i take socially awkward to the next level.
its like, i spent so long wanting to get out of high school i never actually stopped for a moment to think about how i'd survive in a totally unfamiliar and intimidating environment. not to mention one so overwhelming due to the size of the campus and the people who inhabit it. all i seem to do these days is read my book in a quite spot.

2011-02-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

my, my, the ways i've changed since then.

close to me

2011-02-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

this post should be read to the soundtrack of the cure.
this is from my japan days.

i came here to find myself, but all i seem to be doing is losing the ability to communicate in english. i don't quite belong in either of these worlds, i feel like i'm existing on the peripherals of life, where the colours have somwhat faded, the vibrancy dimmed. i want to stay, want to be in both places yet neither. i want to find a reason to stay, to fight against all of the reasons to leave. i love japan, honestly, but right now its making me tired. i'm tired. i'm forgetting most aspects of my life in australia before i left - abstract concepts like names and relationships, intangible ideas that have no place in such a foreign land. i'm so used to japan, to this life, that i'm losing touch with who i used to be. i can't remember anything clearly, the lines, the edges, everything's becoming blurred the longer i'm gone. my previous life is painted on canvas in violent strokes, but the inks are running and smudging in the rain. you can't hold back natural forces, natural progressions like time and change.

but i'm home now.

i need to write this down

2011-02-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

i need to write this to get it off my chest, as i cannot bring myself to speak of it aloud. i've tried to push it to the back of my mind, but it surfaces at the most unwelcome times and constantly is returning to haunt me. so i'm hoping if i lay it all down here, i'll be able to get over this incident. but at the moment its the first memory, and the most vivid, of my return to melbourne on sunday morning. i wanted it to be perfect, seeing my family again after three months. but as i was retrieving my luggage from the carousel, this japanese girl somehow fell backwards, with this sickening crack at my feet. and the force of the impact, the way her head hit the hard floor, she started convulsing at my feet. eyes bulging, mouth open in a silent scream. the look in her eyes still gives me nightmares. her arms were outstretched in my direction, her legs flailing as she spasmed, jerking. i'd never seen anything like it; my first thought was of a child's attempt at a game, a scary face to amuse someone but then sounds emitted from her mouth, and the most horrible wailing assailed my ears. i started crying because i'd never seen anything so horrible happen right in front of me, and also because japan has caused me to become fragile emotionally. the school group she was with - teachers and adults crowded her, helpless as she was somewhat paralysed in her desperate flailing. my mother pulled me back and we watched in horror as her supervisors covered her in a blanket, as if she were deceased. else they did nothing, and my mother was asking if an abumlance had been called but no one heard her. such a crowd had gathered, watching with the sick fascination of an approaching train wreck. because she wasn't our responsibility, and i was having a near emotional breakdown, we moved away. the excitement of being home was marred by my inability to get that girl's eyes out of my head. i don't know if an ambulance was called; or if she was okay. i don't know what the damage was, or her injuries. i just can't seem to escape the look of her bulging eyes and outstretched arms in my direction. or the convulsing, as her entire body was seized by the impact of the fall and everything failed to function.

home.

2011-02-12T21:16:00.000-08:00

i feel strange.

new years

2011-01-01T03:25:00.000-08:00

this morning i arose at six to pray to the gods at a shrine and watch the sunrise over the city; the first sunrise of a new year. a temple, another shrine, okonomiyaki, feasts, purikura and harry potter. english is beginning to sound foreign and i feel more comfortable disregarding it; i don't know who i'll be when i get home next month, but i feel miles away from the person i left in australia. this year holds so many exciting possibilities and opportunities and i'm going to embrace them all. i don't feel like myself, but i never did have a 'self' to begin with. right now i'm yearning for it to snow, but somehow it snowed everywhere it japan yesterday except for tokyo. i feel so disconnected from the real world, and lost in the frivolity of exploring a new world and communicating in a different tongue, of kabuki and tea ceremony and buddhism merged with fashion and karaoke and arashi and youth and quirkiness, of masses of people and life and colour and noise.

ドキドキ

2010-12-12T23:49:00.000-08:00

this number that dictates your future. for the past week i've been having nightmares about it. slowly, its been consuming me and interfering with my ability to be happy. especially last night - even though i'm so disconnected from it all on the other side of the world, in japan - whenever risa or my host mother would mention my ATAR, i'd get this churning feeling in the pit of my stomach and fight tears. it was a topic of dread, and it made me feel physically sick. i've never experienced such a blatant physical reaction to an abstract concept like this. and it was always there, lurking in the background. unescapable. and then this morning, i arose at 4.50am and sat down with my laptop to assess how my future was going to play out, and i was freaking out. then i got that stupid three digit number and i just sat there, staring blankly at the screen. i didn't feel happiness or excitement. i just felt relief. i'm quite content with that number. but the process of getting it rendered me prone to anxiety and erratic mood swings. it was consuming me, piece by piece. i'm just glad its over.

i just want to believe.

2010-10-30T18:45:00.000-07:00

then ask me what its like to have myself so figured out.

i wish i knew

tokyo.

2010-10-26T03:06:00.000-07:00

will rule.

denouement

2010-10-19T21:18:00.001-07:00

some people just aren't supposed to be together. i understand that now. there's still something infinitely beautiful about pure friendship, uncomplicated by shallow dramatics of love and loss. "if i can't love you as a lover, i will love you as friend." i'm sorry if i was ever difficult or selfish. now's the time to say so, i think, with so many endings and beginnings merging into a sense of finality. i think i've grown alot this year, i feel so zen.

2010-10-16T19:53:00.000-07:00

I didn't see this coming the end of all that was.
Just lived the lie that what brings you rest cannot
hurt you. It was summer and I hoped for more
than the rut this place brings. All I got was
emptiness that still haunts me. I lost a part of
me and I lost my way but the pictures stayed
to follow me to bed. What I'll see tonight I won't
see ever again.

one of the most beautiful songs i have ever heard.

somewhere between the penance & the patience

2010-10-13T02:55:00.001-07:00

you drift with every word they say

i think we’ve lost our way

endings, beginnings. i've hit middle ground where i'm no longer yearning to get out of this institution, but feeling semi sentimental. as much as i'd rather not admit it, school has shaped our lives and there's going to be a seemingly large hole without it. thank god for my future plans to keep me occupied otherwise i'd probably go insane from the lack of motion or meaning. japan, university. life goes on. just in a completely different key to my life so far. the future holds possibilities. for once in my life, i'd love to let go of my past and reinvent myself as someone not defined by who they associate or what kind of grades they get. i don't want to be remembered only for my mistakes or misguided actions, or by the things i didn't do. i know i've held back all of my life, but this life - school, home, work, routine - has become suffocatingly monotonous, and fours walls pressing down of me, compressing and causing my limbs to stiffen, my body to ache from the lack of movement, lack of life. i want to be able to spread my fucking wings. i want to exist in a world where i can wear my hair how i want, paint my nails the colours of the rainbow and decorate myself however the fuck i want. the institution that comprises higher education schooling is so stifling and i come home, exhausted from purely being there. i'm always tired. compromising who i am with who facades and pretences deem me to be: an ideal student, with no hint of individuality at all. a transparent willingness to conform to standards of dress, of personality, of presentation. and this year, sick of shallow rebelling, i yielded to the aforementioned standards and possibly lost a fragment of myself in the process. while i am typically, almost, the sort of student a school like beaconhills would strive for, my personality has changed radically. i'm quieter, more prone to outburts and violent tendencies, less spontaneous and creative. i spent so much more time rebelling in my head, daydreaming of ideas and possibilities, of the potential the future holds once i complete high school. everything only ever exists inside my own head this year: my dreams are much more vivid, intense shades of vibrancy that pales real life in comparison. i've loss interest and lost the effort to make effort in anything socially, which has rendered me more socially awkward than ever. i've become more anti social, reverting back to a similar state that existed in my early years of high school. back when i was unable to make or maintain friendships. now i can make friendships, but maintaining them is near impossible. i've accepted the notion of friendship as temporary, and thus don't chase feelings and memories for even an echo of what we used to have. my loss of interest in reality has led to many a lonely night, with only the ethereal sounds of music of another world to keep me company. reflecting now, typing out these thoughts is becoming easier every time. self reflection is consuming many spare moments, and thoughts like this have fallen through my head countless times. i've wondered, pondered, why people don't like me anymore. why this year i've become such a total recluse. why i'm unable to have pure, spontaneous, carefree fun anymore. and i've come to the conclusion that since i lost my best and only friend, since i lost an entire world that i'd become to accept as everything, i have nothing. rebuilding a city, a life, a world is difficult. and when it all got too much to take, i turned to my schoolwork. slowly, perfection through words and obedience through rules came as almost a refuge. uncertainty was replaced by black and white. friends were replaced by ideas. loneliness was replaced by potential, by goals. the future. glaring, smiling, beckoning almost violently. so i stopped caring. my most consuming thought was that of escape, a creative means of living rather than purely existing. but i didn't realise that by throwing myself, head first into this seeming mass of ambition and order and ambiguous perfection, that i was surrendering myself to existence in a four walled box. i'm still in that box. but i can see the way out. there's a light, and its almost within reach. but i've come to like the comfort, the familiarity, the black and white painted rules of the box. i'm comfortable. its routine. for a while now, its all i can remember. and leaving, breaking free, transitioning into reality - the something more that possibilities beckon - is simultaneously exciting and terrifying. such a long paragraph of cluttered thoughts, struggling to break free from this box that resides in my head. the prospect of freedom is endlessly infinite. so, so close. i can reach out and nearly grasp it with my fingers. nearly. although honestly, i cannot even predict how i'll cope with the world in my hands. i've only ever seen it from afar, a disjointed view from blurred windows that allow me to dream. but when the day comes, i'll run through the light, bleary eyed and overcome with possibility. here's to the future.

feverish

2010-10-08T20:06:00.002-07:00

there is something inherently fucked when your old best friend goes on a date with your sister's friend, and is hanging out with your sister. how did all of the lines get so blurred? i miss the black and white, the unsaid separation of high school versus university, narre warren north versus box hill. so many fragments of what i thought were my life are overlapping to become parts of other people's. nothing is sacred anymore. everything i thought i could piece together as part of my life .. i can't anymore. its not mine to possess nor lay claim over. i feel so redundant.

unlearn

2010-10-03T03:59:00.000-07:00

i keep giving more chances even though there's none left to give. when did i become such a pushover? my god, i repulse even myself. been listening to bane all day, on repeat. i lost an hour, but i gained daylight. who fucking cares. i've had it with chances. this is the end, i think.

Face down. I'm stuck inside these boundaries that were put in place to fucking quiet me...to bury me. I was given a uniform but soon learned that's just a disguise. The reality is misconstrued and subdued until your spirit dies. Unlearn. Born into a culture that teaches you to keep taking not giving. Will you live your life spending? Or will you spend your life living? Unlearn. A control just like heroin, you stole from us all again. Cold hands around our throats big man, If we speak up you're silencing. Too big business minded, when you see vision you blind it. Propaganda mixed with power brought on one-sided violence. Ideas remain bulletproof so you can never fucking silence.

ring out the grief

2010-09-22T18:04:00.000-07:00

Heaven's filled with the reflections
of a thousand wishes, made out of
fire. Something to hope for, a reason
to stay. I saw mine through a front
room window so I grabbed my coat
and went outside.

I found you standing on the side-
walk and I found truth. I grabbed
my phone and crossed the street.
Thank you for last spring. I hope
you are well. Here's to next year,
must it bring us both the days that
we've worked for.

Here are hours that I can't recall
but I saw it on film. I seemed to be
happy so I take it that I must have
been. Next thing I know I sit on a
couch, it's six in the morning on
January first. It's my brother's birth-
day and you're still by my side.

There might be fire
but fire soon turns us to ashes.

echoes eternally, relentlessly.
on days like these i fall back on jeniferever.

2010-09-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

bane

2010-09-13T04:23:00.000-07:00

these nights will go so quietly. its disorientating that the last days i spend at high school are spent in isolation. these nights are wearing through study and homework with nothing but my music to keep me company. it's horrendously lonely, and i don't know if i can recall such a lonely time since year seven or eight, back when i was too different for friends. and now, everything's seeping back and i don't know where my friends have gone, but no one's around anymore except pale memories. i don't know if it's me or what, but as this year passes, one by one all of my friends have been falling away. one by one all of my ties to melbourne are weakening. i could pack my bags tonight for sweden and there wouldn't be the slightest hesitation. no one would call me back. would they even notice if i'm gone? these days i seem to be nothing more than an apparition, fading away with the night. doorways and walls to entrap me, but i just pass through like a spirit, transcending conventional limitations. like a reflection trapped on the other side; can't speak or communicate, cursed to observe the other side through the glass for eternity. silently watching others live, while you simply exist on the other side. i could revert to juvenile words and speak of how alone i feel, how my friends are fading from my life as i observe, silently, from these four white walls. blinding as the day and yet the only thing i can see is reality. am i really that unfavourable, to effect such aversion from everyone that i am acquainted with? when did they become so disinclined to know me? last year i was a king. i had the whole world in my hands, and the dramatics, heartbreak and notoriety that accompanied it. since christmas, everything that i had come to know and understand as my life was triggered, domino effect, to collapse around me until all i had as keepsakes were the pieces, shattered and broken at my feet. starting again is hard. becoming unnecessary, deemed redundant, is almost worst than immature fights that kill friendships, frail as they are. no, it is most definitely worse. the one thing i hate is not being noticed. fading away. to reach the point in your life where you're not even a sideline character - stripped off all lines and purpose - is fucking depressing. the less i care, the less everyone else does. people used to pay attention to me when i actually tried. now my effort is nil, and people look straight through me. fuck. i'm not even there anymore, you know? its the last week of term - two more weeks of classes, forever, and i may as well be invisible. i will admit, the notion of this does scare me a ridiculous amount. i'm scared shitless. which is why i need to get out of here. there's no reason for me to stay around anymore, you know? i'm not searching for sympathy, i highly doubt anyone will have wasted their time reading this much. i'm just scared to death what melbourne holds when the people, everyone that i've held close to my heart in the past few years (aside from family) have gradually, over time, drifted to the point of being strangers. everywhere i go i see people from other lives, other times, other friendships. nothing ever lasts, and what with high school coming to a close, an entire chapter of my so-called life that ends almost as lonely as it began. friendship is such a shallow word. and now i am growing weary, pure existance is so exhausting. time passes, watch. everything falls into the past, frozen smiles and meaningless words, lit up by happiness that could bright up a room, fleeting and all empowering and obnoxiously naive. i was a 15 year old kid with nowhere to fit in; i just wanted to skate, listen to my suicidal tape when someone told me about a place, where the strange were accepted and judged by what's inside, a scene of truly open minds: are we still the scene of open minds?

2010-09-09T03:09:00.000-07:00

the cracks in the sky aren't getting any smaller.

my past seems to be drifting away with the breeze, spring is lighting up the sky and yet all i have right now is the ground beneath me to keep my balance. i just feel like, with the isolation of exams and the looming end of schooling, everyone else is fading to nothing more than memories. i've drifted so much from everyone somehow, at school everyone feels like strangers. even my closest friends are transforming before my eyes, into people i barely recognise. i could blame it on change, on age, on strees, but i think i'll just blame it on me. i've somehow become incapable of maintaining relationships and finishing sentences. everything trails off like my thoughts, an unfinished idea. drifting away with all notions of who people used to be and who i can count on in this mass of nothing. its somewhat lonely, so i bury myself in schoolwork until it becomes dark. and then i wait, wait for the sun to come up so i can do it all again, couting down the days until i can get the fuck out. one day out of hundreds. a night, a week, history.

二十歳の戦争

2010-09-08T02:53:00.000-07:00

その悲しみも、苦しみも、その痛みも分からない
分からないから

it doesn't stop playing.
in the movie, she cried.

i don't think i'll cry.

vesper

2010-09-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

do you ever have those moments where you come across remnants of your past, and this pang of sadness thuds in your chest as you remember how innocent and naive you used to be? and then you miss it, and wonder what you've become, because you can't see anything worth celebrating.

life is strange sometimes.

2010-08-24T01:18:00.000-07:00

my head is throbbing, there's a horrible taste in my mouth, i do not understand maths at all, i ate too much, i have a ridiculously bad cold, i hate medicine/tablets yet am being forced to take them, i can't stop shivering and i'm wrapped in a blanket but it makes no difference, i'm behind in all my classes, i cannot concentrate, i feel like shit, whinge whinge whinge

life's hard for a meagan.

the things i do for other people

2010-08-23T03:28:00.001-07:00

i'm so sick of never being able to put myself fucking first. i'm fucking ill, i can't fucking talk and yet you insist on making me do everything for everyone because 'its expected of me'. i hate the way i let everyone around me manipulate me into doing their bidding, its just weak of me but i'm clearly not the one at fault here.

2010-08-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

yeah, i just want to die right now.
that is all.

2010-08-15T02:49:00.000-07:00

vagueness is lameness.

i mean, why bother talking at all? your words are so blurred with indistinct meaning, i simply want communication that doesn’t entail ambiguity and half words. is it that much to ask for something real? i'm existing in exasperation, i wish everyone would just say what they fucking mean and mean what they fucking say.

2010-08-14T15:21:00.000-07:00

maybe

one day

i'll learn from my mistakes.

i'll cross out what i don't know

but i'm not sure how long it'll take.

it's in your blood

2010-08-10T04:10:00.000-07:00

i can't stay over you. it seems we drive forever but can never get away from here, just one more try. i'm guessing you are over me, i guess it's bravery. well cause it's black out the window while you sleep in the passenger seat. it's gone.

this can't be how you live.

svo hljótt

2010-07-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

i've decided that i want to learn swedish and icelandic, then i want to travel to the ends of the earth and dream my life away, to the sounds of jeniferever, immanu el, sigur ros, ef, and other lovely and ethereal echoes of nature. i just want to drown in the escape of conversation, in the warmth of my room, recluselike and content. i just want to get out of high school and travel, to japan, to sweden, to england, to iceland, to germany. every day melbourne seems more and more monotonous as its familiarity starts to choke me. i need air, i need to breathe. fuck.

tonight we dance, and fade all so quietly away

2010-07-17T01:42:00.000-07:00

its almost ridiculous the myriad of memories that are evoked from random word documents: i was searching for a single piece of writing to reuse, and in the process of searching for it, came across hundreds of lyrics; poems; realisations; vents; diary entries. all of these paved the way for moments of heartbreak, confession, rebellion, vulnerability from back to year seven. i'd honestly forgotten about so much of .. my life from before last year. its somewhat unsettling. i don't know how i'd forgotten about all of this. i mean, its my life. yet lately its been feeling like i didn't exist before year ten, which is stupid in itself.

i'm sitting here, remembering who i used to be. its strange, to say the least. everything that made me who i am today, i think i'd just pushed aside and disregarded. i hate that i'm turning my back on even myself.

2010-07-13T17:33:00.001-07:00

i think i'm in too deep
get out get out get out

...in valleys

2010-07-12T18:21:00.000-07:00

i'm wondering to what extent people will say lovely things, as to avoid hurting your feelings. it seems slightly excessive the amounts of praise i receive from some people, and it seems ill deserved. i don't really appreciate half-hearted compliments when they're only verbalised in the first place as pale reassurance. it's like i'm dodging my separate audiences, so i can hide behind the facade of words. words they'll never see, because nothing is private anymore and i'm constantly running from confrontation.

but at night you’re dancing through the pain, even when you’re the only one. no rose, no sky as full of beauty as the girl who dies but rises with every morning’s sun,
alone.
have heart write pure poetry. we should study that in literature, eh

this is panic. this is failure.

2010-07-11T05:06:00.002-07:00

i'm on my knees
i'm home
i fall on my face
i fall.

all i want right now are people that are like me; that have similar likes and hobbies. i want to fucking talk music and tv shows and ikuta toma and fashion. i want to laze around at home and have people keeping me company that will 'get' the things i like. i'm sick of being different to everyone else to the extent of being lonely. lately all i've been confined to conversing about 'safe' subjects that bore me to death. it's not too much to ask, is it? no one i speak to these days even knows or appreciates who/what francis dolarhyde/osaka-ben/immanu el/dylan moran/miyavi/bukowski/kleptomania/she spits macabre is/are. it irks me so, to observe people talking shit like they know everything, like they've done this scene a hundred times over. i detest the lack of realism nowadays; everyone's pretending to be someone they're not, conforming to standards accepted by the masses and in the process, disposing of everything they once stood for. everything is just a fucking title these days, like a badge to wear. nothing means anything anymore. it used to be 'emo' then 'scene' and now its 'indie'. i'm sick of being reduced to a fucking stereotype, to a word that has lost any kind of concrete meaning, twisted and weakened from its original definition to nothing more than some kind of petty insult. i don't give a fuck about anyone else. they're all the same, and i can't talk to anyone.

/i need you more than i.

2010-07-11T05:06:00.001-07:00

2010-07-04T06:06:00.000-07:00

ridiculously happy.

that is all.

lately been holding up the sky for you

2010-06-27T03:23:00.000-07:00

i'm sick of being treated like i don't matter. i'm tired of same people constantly treating me like shit. i'm over second chances and bad choices. i need ice cream. fuck.

may as well call the bears around my neck 'love'.
francis dolarhyde take me back to year ten.

am kreuz

2010-06-14T04:05:00.000-07:00

tonight i swam to the far side of the lake and spied heaven in all its naivety. my torchlight only shone my reflection in mirrored detail, blinding in the revelation. i call melodic words, but anything i scream will be swallowed by this water, this darkness; consumed by the lack of knowledge or understanding, of how to live and be alive, how to existence and thrive. on occasions i look for help on the other side, but the lights of your self assured superiority shy me away. i’ll flock to the darkness, undefined like a bird and hide in the nest of what i do know and understand, for that keeps me comfort as i lay here tonight. like a lullaby in the soundless night, i’m kept warm by the boundaries of my knowledge. for the world is hollow and the sky is infinite; and i am miniscule and insignificant. such wandering thoughts keep me awake at night.

always where i need to be

2010-06-12T07:46:00.000-07:00

"i miss talking to you." and while things used to be so good, they aren't actually that bad now. last night was lovely, i reconnected with so many people i'd lost touch with. i love how even when you're drunk, you can communicate friendship and ties. and how a simple reminder of the strength of those ties can find its way home with you, in the form of beau's mexican taco hat. ha. although honestly, i've been consistently losing friends ever since december, until all i had left was a core group of school friends. and while they are lovely, its still lonely when i wanted to go to a show, or do something crazy. i'm hopeful that this will last.

hollow crown - architects.

my feelings were never receptive.

2010-06-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

its times like these that i contemplate my monotonous existance. and i'm hiding out in my room, shunning any form of communication or company. my brother has friends over, they don't even notice me. i'm like a ghost today, skimming through walls and lurking in dark corners. tonight will be interesting to say the least, my ability to socialise is decaying by the minute. i should just become a recluse. i just don't know how to deal in times like these, with people like these. i was like this last year, and somehow i survived so easily. i'm treading water but i don't want to drown. thank fuck i'm a decent swimmer.

halfway

2010-06-10T02:11:00.000-07:00

its so awkward how terrible i am at social interaction. i have my old best friend's 18th on saturday night, and everytime i think about it, i feel sick to the stomach. i just can't do this. i don't know how or when i got so pathetic, but i really don't know how i'll be able to show up without spending the whole night in a dark corner. i just hate the way i am, sometimes. its the simplest things that trip me up, like breathing or walking in a straight line. no one else ever has trouble, or even bothers to think. i overthink. everything's just so hilariously awkward, sometimes to the point of ridiculous. tomorrow should be lovely, but i don't quite know what to wear. photos are becoming exhausting and consuming my free time, some days i just want to quit.

when i move, i'm flailing now

2010-06-08T20:18:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting here, rugged up like a rockstar with the heater up to the max. i'm drinking hot chocolate and doing my 365, listening to transmission by the getaway plan, contemplating and wasting time. i'm going to bake brownies soon. i'm in a good state of mind, i have to say. and you know what? right now, i feel more like myself than i have in days. this simple serenity, of enjoying your own company when winter rages on outside. its times like these that there's no place i'd rather be. i'm even looking forward to work this afternoon, i love being at the library when its dark and rainy. its like a whole another world, co-existing yet cut off from the maniacal rage of real life. it's just books and lovely people who aren't illiterate. it seems to be the only aspect of my life that revolves around pure, simple conversation. when the only focus is letting the time pass by; letting words carry you to different worlds where worries and bothers are d&m'ed to death. and the worst ramification of these conversations is being banished to non fic, and then overthinking everything.

jeniferever carries me to another world where everything is lovely.
i just want to meet a nice boy. its like we're all stuck in this rut where we can't break routine, and our words confirm this. i can't get past this, because no one else will let me. we've talked it to death. we've analysed to death. it's dead, okay? okay. now let's all move on.

2010-06-07T18:10:00.001-07:00

from the clothes i wear, you'd think i'd be from the circus.

five.

2010-06-07T01:59:00.000-07:00

conversation.
that is all i need.
not communication; i can deal without that.
but conversation, makes the time fucking pass.
the days begin to blur into each other, one more less til everything changes forever. it's kind of disorientating.

to quote la dispute/bukowski (at length)
"sure, i know that you are tired of hearing about it: but most repeat the same theme over and over again. it's as if they were trying to refine what seems so strange and off and important to them. it's done by everybody, because each must work out what is before them over and over again. because that is their personal tiny miracle. like now as like before, and before i have been listening to symphony after symphony from this radio. it makes me realize that certain people now long dead were able to transgress graveyards and traps and cages and bones and limbs: in tiny rented rooms i was struck by miracles.

the flesh covers the bone and they put a mind in there; and sometimes a soul and the women break vases against the walls and the men they drink too much and nobody ever finds the one: but keep looking crawling in and out of beds. flesh covers the bone and the flesh searches for more than flesh.

there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock. people so tired, mutilated, either by love or no love. people just are not good to each other. we are afraid. our educational system tells us that we can all be big winners, but it hasn't told us about the gutters or the suicides. or the terror of one person aching in one place; alone, untouched, and unspoken to.

people are not good to each other. people are not good to each other. i suppose they never will be. i don't ask them to be. but sometimes I think about it. there must be a way. surely, there must be a way

there's no chance at all: we are all trapped by fate. nobody ever finds the one. nobody ever finds the one. there's no chance at all: we are all trapped by fate. who put this brain inside of me? it says that there's a chance. it's kept the rope from my throat; maybe it will loosen yours.

the city dumps fill. the junkyards fill. the graveyards fill. nothing else fills."

simply amazing.

you're so naive, you're so

2010-06-05T23:37:00.002-07:00

i feel bad for discarding people, i feel horrible for undermining them. i'm also glad people still try in this day and age. it seems rare. at least some aspects of existance i can count on. i fell into a hole last year, and i couldn't get out. this year, i'm much better at standing on my own two feet, quite averse to the notion of dependency. dependent becomes such an ugly word.

and after being such a heinous bitch, i'm surprised people even still care. it's kind of heartwarming to know, that people will be there. even if in the past they haven't, its the here and now that really matters, right?

i feel like i'm recycling overused and overstated phrases. i guess that's language nowadays; originality does not exist anymore. everything has been done, and done to death. words are degraded to cliches, cliches are cringeworthy. everything i say is just stock phrases collated together prettily, to sound intelligent when really the words have been reduced to no meaning at all. its time like these that i wonder why i even bother, really.

toma has a new drama! kyaaa.

likes.

2010-06-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

i'll tell you what i like?
i like long bus rides by myself on the 901. particularly today, where i spent approximately 2 hours commuting to/from ringwood. i like making the back corner my haven, and putting my belongings around me as a barrier. i like singing along to blink 182 and the kooks and disregarding the looks i receive. i like observing the people, and the way they exist. i like taking photos out the window, the disarray that the wintry weather has caused on the roads. i like watching the world go by, through rain splattered windows. i like the cleanliness and the warmth of the heating, and the friendly lights that wink at me. i like the isolation that i feel, in my own little 901 heated, clean bus world. on the way home, particularly, i like driving into darker, rainier weather, noting how at four pm the sky is dark and consuming, the headlights from the cars reflecting and blinding and lighting the way. i like the harsh contact of winter's embrace. i like the memories of this bus, the countless times i've cried on it, contrasted with the vague memories of another lifetime, with other friends. something that i've left behind, so far behind that i barely recognise who i used to be, and the life i used to have.

i also quite like rollerblading.

thirteen.

2010-06-02T05:11:00.001-07:00

love and hate get thrown around so carelessly. family is so underappreciated. friends are so overrated. boys are just ridiculous. year twelve is a overexaggerated nightmare. dependency is weak. creativity is stifled in every fucking sense. mathematics is a chore. happiness is unnattainable. disappointment is unavoidable. feelings are disregarded in every sense. /whinge

oh hey alex.

whispers

2010-06-01T04:23:00.000-07:00

the people who walk in the straightest lines, they hate abstract concepts. they detest anything they can't visualise. they dislike anything remotely imaginative, anything slightly non-stifling in the narrow black-and-white dominated world they reside in. man. i feel as though i'm drowning in crowds of these people, pressing up on either side of me until its hard to breathe. anytime i try to break from the norm, walk my own zigzag path that crosses in multiple different directions; i'm pushed into a box, four sides and black views. all these people i'm surrounded by constantly, day in day out, me they don't understand, and them i have no hope of ever comprehending. i detest the way they try to make me one of them. my drum is beating at an irregular kaleidoscopic fashion, similar to the pattern of my thoughts. yours, his, hers, all of you, have no variation whatsoever.

somedays, i just want to get out.

2010-05-31T03:10:00.000-07:00

apparently i don't smile anymore. according to others, i'm always unhappy these days. i hate that word. unhappy. it makes it seem as if you're discontent as a result of selfish actions. sad is much better. it doesn't point the blame, or faults in any particular direction. you're faultless. sad. i didn't think i was. looking back, what the fuck is happening to me? i was on top of the world only the other day.

on a brighter note, i chased the sunset tonight.
the end of autumn. endless circles of cycles of beginning merging to end and cycling forwards. progress. beauty. simplicity

the sound of beating wings

2010-05-29T23:06:00.000-07:00

nausea struggles to consume the slight normalcy that i feel as per this moment. i'll sit here, in this dark room, grasping for my water bottle and existing through the light of this screen. contemplating the light that it must be outside, yet my curtains are shut. all i can see are weak outlines of daylight fighting to enter my room, but all light is refrained. nauseous. nothing awaits on the other side of the door that could possibly tempt me from this haven, i think i'll sit here and listen to the carefree nature that is jeniferever, that in itself can replace nature for this afternoon. nausea is not my friend.

only something you could say

2010-05-27T02:14:00.000-07:00

words words words. i don't know how or when or why this happened, but i just can't deal with anything right now. to put it simply, i'm a mess. three hours ago i was completely content, but nothing ever stays that way. i want to get out, but it seems like i'm trapped in these four walls. i don't even know why i'm like this, i hate the way i shift so unpredictably, in such a manic fashion that confuses even myself. i dislike the fact that i'm quite adept at lying to even myself, and its times like these where i realise who exactly i've been fooling. i thought writing and speaking would make it all better, yet nothing seems to be helping. i thought it would make it all go away, but all i'm doing is bitching and turning into someone i may not even like. i thought i could cope. i guess i thought i was stronger than this.

incoherent ideas.

2010-05-26T01:55:00.000-07:00

twelve. i never thought twelve could make such a difference. i don't think i particularly like that number much anymore. insecurity: fuck off. i really don't need this right now. all up, today was quite lovely, bar my overemotional tendencies and the hysteria of tonight. tonight, i took photos of the sky for my 365. it was so pretty to look at that i didn't even mind the cold. would have been lovely for a walk, a night time stroll with the pretty cloud formation to keep me company. tomorrow night. my eyes ache, and nothing will keep me awake right now except this pure aversion to going to bed.

angst.

2010-05-25T03:58:00.001-07:00

angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst angst

i'm so content right now i can't even be angsty. lalalala.

2010-05-24T01:33:00.001-07:00

“i conclude that all is well,” says edipus.
and that remark is sacred.

it's la dispute o'clock

2010-05-23T03:14:00.000-07:00

i’ve slept for twenty years, but i’ve acted strong at least. if you’re leaving again, then you’re leaving again, and you’re gone. i feel nothing anymore, so just keep walking away. thirty thousand steps, i’ll watch you for every second and never feel alone.

chasing suns

2010-05-22T08:49:00.001-07:00

its two am & i'm almost lonely.
but not quite, tonight was lovely. i started my 365 yesterday, its the best.

2010-05-20T05:08:00.000-07:00

i should just stop my brain, stop my thoughts and shut the fuck up. i talk too much.

twenty random facts.

2010-05-19T03:59:00.000-07:00

i am socially awkward.
i work at a library, and it really clears my head.
i'm quite a lonely person really, and i always crave company.
my inability to be emotionally stable does quite freak me out also, don't even ask why i'm so fucked up.
i can't sleep most nights.
i feel slightly sick.
i want to go to japan, right now, and never come back.
i do not recall the last time i did any form of exercise.
jeniferever and la dispute are the only things keeping me sane these days.
i want to meet a nice boy.
i'd actually kind of love to run away and join a circus.
i'm very sarcastic.
the sky is the most beautiful aspect of nature, seconded by the ocean.
i cannot stand people who don't give others a chance, or treat them decently.
i like going swimming at the beach in winter in a bikini and doing other unconventional things.
^ that put simply, i like to shock people, i guess.
i have intense trouble expression myself verbally, yet it comes so much more easily on paper.
i'm alot happier than i was last year, and a lot more balanced.
i hate existing in shadows.
to put it simply, my heart is racing unobserved you'll never know.

i dance in the nervous light & i'm warmed by the flames.

2010-05-18T03:45:00.000-07:00

i sound so neg on this, i'm not, i'm really not. i'm content with everything. if i was happy i wouldn't bother writing. you can't always be happy. that's just not natural. i'm natural. the end.

here's to next year, i hope you are well.

2010-05-18T02:52:00.000-07:00

jeniferever seems to be the only thing that's keeping me sane these days. i'm overeating like a bitch, and none of my clothes seems to fit well anymore. i'm sick of people who don't open doors for you when you're out in the fucking cold, its downright rude. the past is so much better than the present. all i really feel like doing now is neglecting mathematics and reliving lovely aspects of the past. i will admit, last year i did slightly fall off the tracks, to the extent that i was almost heading towards a collision, but it was still fun, in the immature rebellion that youth allows. this year i'm such a recluse, but so much happier. mathematics is so unappealing right now. my attention span seems to be decayed to a point of non existence.

and i found truth, so i grabbed my coat & went outside.

reflections

2010-05-16T00:35:00.000-07:00

the parade of masks and facades last night. more was caked on then i could ever imagine. i'm sick of looking for the best in people, and being confronted with the worst. as reiterated in my skull so many times, i spent the better part of last year being the worse half of someone else. i'd rather not repeat that this year, thanks.

nine.

2010-05-15T21:18:00.001-07:00

i'd rather waste some time with you

2010-05-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

to say things have been weird lately would be an understatement. lately i've been so caught up in everything, unable to function at a decent level where i can commit. i can't even hold a conversation these days, i'm lapsing into unrelated observations and consequently lose my train of thought. i need to wake up, i seem to be functioning in a dreamlike state where people speak in disconnected syllables, and i'm not really there. incoherent sentences are hitting my skull, repeatedly repeatedly repeatedly until i wish to wake up. i will admit, dreams are much preferred to reality. the blinding light of truth, it hurts. reality has no scope in which to manuouvre. i'll be walking a paved track where my future and past are set out clearly in stone, dot pointed bluntly so i don't wander off. maybe i want to wander off. i don't get leeway for freedom these days. any attempt of creative license is stifled into a condemnation of wasting time. perhaps i want to waste time. perhaps i live for lazy afternoons lying on my trampoline, observing the sky and its mood swings. the clouds and their patterns, their shapes. the weather unleashing its fury or rather, its contentness. wasting time was never a bad thing. you know, i may actually aspire to capture those moments of infinite beauty, lone in their singularity, the simplicity of the sky, soundtracked only by the mindless beat of my thoughts. i'd rather slow down now and appreciate everything that i have, lest continue at breakneck speed and complete year twelve with nothing but an enter score to keep me sane. ranking every single student in the state against each other, pitting a competitive field with an inevitable failure. it doesn't sound right to me. i'm only seventeen, i don't want the responsibilites of an adult just yet. or ever. forever. i mean, who wants to grow up? what's the fun in that?

as was so beautifully stated in the perks of being a wallflower:

in that moment, we were infinite.

every scene is a fatality.

2010-05-13T02:31:00.001-07:00

she wore her heart on her sleeve, her thoughts on her face. she was vulnerable, with an inability to disconnect from her innermost fears. every feeling was painted on her pretty face, every single individual emotion. she fell over as a result from not looking where she was going; she had trouble walking in a straight line. always prone to injury and falling apart, leaving someone else to assist picking up the pieces. she could not hold herself together. strength was a distant concept too difficult to grasp. her weakness was her tendency to overanalyse and underappreciate, to overthink and underwhelm. she sometimes forgot how to breathe. these breaths were never matches with the uneven skitter of her footsteps.

hysterically happy, i'm going to go study now. this is not natural.

watch me sink

2010-05-12T02:06:00.001-07:00

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means, to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."

-e.e cummings.

non objective portrait of karma

2010-05-11T02:41:00.000-07:00

nah its cool. i can deal with that.
:)

2010-05-10T03:27:00.001-07:00

its like i've lost something that i never had to begin with. can hope and disappointment really co exist, someone tell me this

2010-05-10T01:06:00.000-07:00

i feel so fucking disconnected. its like my insides have caved into a hollow mass of nothing, and i'm dealing with this by blocking it from conscious thought. in a way, i feel like i've been rejected, which leads to me feeling worthless. in another way, it makes me feel stupid and naive. or just, slightly shocked. postively, impressed. its like a kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions battling it out to prevail, and none of them will win. pure desolate disconnection wins. numb. i want to cry but that's just melodramatic. i want to write it down but i can't find the words. i want to scream but i'm too passive for the aforementioned melodrama. i just can't react. to put it simply, everything is out in the open and even the sky won't make me happy now. everything is contaminated. everything is different. i fucking hate change, yet i could also welcome it. blunt truth is so welcoming in such an ambiguous world. it's quite reassuring to view things in black and white rather than in vague, deceitful colours. i can't cry. that's almost too pathetic for a situation like this. i'm almost too pathetic for a situation like this.

its times like this when i really wish i was more in control of my emotions. i really don't want to fuck up year twelve. i just hate the way i'm prone to such hurt, and the truth hurts so blatantly. i should just punch a wall. eh.

i'm contemplating going back to bed.

私と小鳥と鈴

2010-05-05T05:25:00.000-07:00

quite simply, the most lovely poem i have ever read. it's perfect in its simplicity, in its symmetry.

私が　両手を　広げても、

お空は　ちっとも　飛べないが、

飛べる　小鳥は　私のように、

地ベたを　速くは　走れない。

私が　体を　揺すっても、

きれいな　音は　出ないけど、

あの　鳴る　鈴は　私のように

たくさんな　歌は　知らないよ。

鈴と　小鳥と　それから　私、

みんな　違って　みんな　いい。

lists

2010-04-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF

1. year twelve is causing my hysterics and unpredictable mood swings to flare up at least once a week.
2. i have a terrible relationship with food.
3. i miss japan.
4. i'm sick of being alone.
5. i like being different, and that shows in my speech and dress.
6. i hate people that treat others less than they deserve to be.
7. i want to make something of myself.
8. i have obsessive compulsive tendencies and i always second think and doubt myself.
9. i try so hard.
10. i'm so hard on myself because i can't face failure.

NINE THINGS YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT RECENTLY

1. i can't believe they cut my pay.
2. i will be so relieved when tomorrow is over.
3. the nostalgia of my last ever interhouse cross country race being tomorrow (technicality, i guess: i've walked it for the past three years).
4. why do you date her? she's a bitch.
5. a shitload of daydreaming about japan.
6. having a bubble bath was the most fantastic idea i've had all weekend.
7. year twelve will kill me before i finish.
8. why is my skin so terrible?
9. la dispute are so good.

EIGHT WAYS TO WIN YOUR HEART

1. intelligence.
2. distinctly his own person; not influenced by what others are doing.
3. wit and humour.
4. treats people well.
5. original.
6. someone who holds my hand. in public also.
7. who'll write me a song.
8. lie with me and watch the sky.

SEVEN FAVORITE SONGS YOU’VE HAD.

1. only everything below - la dispute
2. watch me sink - have heart
3. loveless - yamapi
4. strings - the getaway plan
5. the lost loves - young heretics
6. lisztomania - phoenix
7. cowards - break even

SIX THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.

1. shower
2. read
3. study
4. music
5. eat
6. daydream

FIVE THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO FIVE DIFFERENT PEOPLE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.

1. i wish that you'd trust my words.
2. i'm kind of in love with you.
3. i'm only going to let you down.
4. why can't you become your own person, rather than a shadow?
5. i'm sorry that i can't seem to do anything right. i'm trying, i really am.

FOUR THINGS YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW.

1. internet stalking nishijima takahiro.
2. wishing i was in bed right now.
3. not being very talkative on msn.
4. contemplating getting some chocolate.

THREE THINGS YOU’RE SCARED OF

1. growing up
2. failure
3. change

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. travel
2. find someone that understands me, and marry him. ha

ONE CONFESSION

1. i'm not as together as you think i am. i'm a total mess. every night i verge of paranoia and hysteria and panic will consume me. so i believe.

2010-04-25T01:53:00.000-07:00

looking at old photos makes me mourn for the past.
and smile, and cry, and want to cry.
photos bring out the best and the worst in you.

i swear, i never realised my hair was so long two years ago. sheeeiiiit. it looked good. i don't even know why i cut it all off a year ago, its still growing back. oh well

2010-04-23T23:33:00.000-07:00

entrapment from within my own four walls. i'm beginning to regret taking on so much work and responsibility this year, i'm thinking it may only lead to my downfall.

thank god we're halfway through.
halfway.
'we can make it through' as arashi say. ha.

noah's ark

2010-04-22T03:59:00.000-07:00

parent teacher interviews never fail to bring my suppressed insecurity and doubt to the surface. sitting there, listening to every expectation and high hope that each has of me; looking at their expectant faces; seeing my parent's proud smiles. i couldn't look them in the eye. i just kept looking down, thinking 'yeah, i'm going to let you down :/'. they all have such high expectations, and i am so excellent and crashing and burning. when it really counts, i have a tendency to fall apart. i just feel bad, you know? because they're all so expectant. with their confiding smiles and knowing gaze. it hurts to look them in the eyes. it's times like these when my insecurity flares up and fills my airways so that i can barely breathe in the knowledge that i'll most likely let them down.

i mean, i'm trying my hardest and i've pretty much sacrificed my social life this year. i'm going more subjects than everyone else and i don't get home most school nights until after eight o'clock. i'm also working to pay off my going to japan, and not really saving up much. i'm trying as hard as i can and i hope it will be enough, but its only a matter of time before i relapse into my emotional breakdown stage when everything gets too much.

on the bright side, my jap class is apparently very intimidated by me. ha. because i am such an intimidating person and all. :)

nothing

2010-04-21T03:04:00.000-07:00

i will admit, lately i've been having trouble organising my thoughts. my paragraphs are cluttered and my thoughts are conveyed in circles. when i speak i make no sense, and when i dream, i become consumed by mundane events that i don't even spend waking hours thinking about.

honestly, year twelve is fucking with my head and i can't seem to function properly these days. i fret over the most innocuous things and my ability to deal with stress and problems seems to have completely decayed, to the point where all that's left is the all-consuming mass of panic in the back of my mind, in the pit of my stomach.

and then there's my histrionic personality and paranoid tendencies. my unpredictable mood swings and obsessive compulsive moments. i'm prone to hysteria and overwhelming moments of insecurity and loneliness. recurring lapses of over-emotional angsty teenager. yeah. i'm a mess.

2010-04-10T06:26:00.000-07:00

nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan
nothing escapes the watchful gaze of a meagan

ah, fuck yeah
pointless post #infinity

fail fail both arms

2010-04-09T19:20:00.000-07:00

all i seem to do is set myself up for failure.
i hate it.
even my dreams are becoming increasing negative, and i wake up bathed in paranoia and disappointment. even non-reality is slowly becoming a reality, i can't be haunted like my dreams like this.

i hate birthdays, all they do is remind you how lonely you are, and reiterate in an oh so blunt manner, that no matter how much you give ... you never get anything in return. fuck. i try so hard to make everyone happy and all they do is flaunt that in my face, then push my face into a brick wall (in a painful metaphorical manner, of course).

yeah. i give up.

spinning

2010-03-28T17:54:00.000-07:00

you know that feeling when everything in life is spinning completely out of your control? man. i feel as though nothing's going the way it should be, and i have no hold over anything. i don't like this. i need some kind of control, or at least a guarantee everything will be fine.

2010-03-28T04:24:00.001-07:00

this year, i've definitely evolved into an optimistic, 'glass half full' kind of person. its insane. i feel fucking on top of the world. when only about an hour ago i was convinced it was all falling down around me. but it's really not. perspective is everything, i guess.

as long as i get to go to japan, i can't really complain. so fingers crossed, eh. stalking ikuta toma and seeing arashi live are also up on my list, buuut somehow i think that's kind of unrealistic haha.

i'm also going to stop falling in love with every single person i see, all it does is complicates my mood swings and leads to manic depressive tendencies.

but yeah, i feel fine. fine fine fine.

dreams

2010-03-28T03:32:00.000-07:00

you know when you cry so hard you can't breathe, and it doesn't really count as crying anymore?
i've quite possibly hit rock bottom. reality ... i'm not much of a fan of reality. i'd much rather reside in my dreams, and i have been for quite a while now. but there's nothing like having your dreams shattered to open your eyes.

and now, all i want to do is close them and go back to sleep. but i don't think i can.
i just want to go back to sleep

only everything below

2010-03-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

there is grace in a steeple collapsing

pictures

2010-03-21T03:09:00.000-07:00

do you remember back when we'd sing have heart at school and reminisce? then have heart broke up, and you left the school. now i don't listen to either anymore. i thought i was so past all of that. i thought i'd outgrown that kind of immature caring. but honestly, i started listening to have heart again on the bus today. first time all year. and now i miss the past, so bad. i even miss you, the old you. i miss the innocent simplicity, where everything was black and white, and you were either liked or hated. fuck, miss that black and white stage. i thought i knew everything. the world was mine, goddammit.

sometimes i think i know myself so well. but it's moments like this where i doubt every fucking thing. is conceding defeat a strength or a weakness? i feel so small, so tired. so insignificant and naive.

i wish people would stop interrupting my thoughts.

dress ups

2010-03-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

playing dress ups. i literally cannot wait for winter. and i am so overdressed for work, but don't even mind at all.
there should be some kind of law that sad people should listen to dance gavin dance when they feel like shit. dgd never fail to cheer me up, never.

alice in wonderland

2010-03-19T18:40:00.000-07:00

if only i could move to wonderland

careful

2010-03-16T03:40:00.000-07:00

if we're fucked up, you're to blame.